This challenge has been pretty easy in a sense for me until
Day 15. Day 15’s task was as follows:
“For anyone who has wronged you, make the choice right now to FORGIVE THEM! Write a list of the people, or person, who has caused you pain, or discomfort, that you are having trouble forgiving. Once you create your list, say: ''I was deeply affected by what you've done to me in the past. I realize that I CANNOT change it, but I can accept it'' (Say it with conviction, like you really are ready to move on with your life. He who angers you, controls you. Discard of your list in whichever way you choose.”
For me, forgiveness is extremely tough and something I
continue to work on to this day. Ironically, I am listening to “Bust Your
Windows” by Jazmine Sullivan as I type this blog. I listen it to now with a smile on my face
because I look back to two years ago, when I found out that my boyfriend at the
time had lied to me basically about everything. I was so in love with him and
my whole view of him was shattered. He was an unfaithful man and a liar. He lied
about how many kids he had, his situation, everything. I believed he loved me,
yes. But his idea of love and mine were two very different ones. Back then, I
was so angry and pissed off. I felt like I was on an episode of Maury minus the
DNA test, thank goodness! It took me
some time but I did forgive him. I realized that I had to forgive him, not so
much for him but for me. That anger was eating me up. And I realized that it
was holding me back from really experiencing the love I wanted in my life.
We have all been wronged by someone but honestly, that will never
change. People will always do something wrong. We’re all human and not perfect.
This is what I had to accept. There goes that word again…ACCEPT. Acceptance is
key in life. It is connected to so many things. I have talked about acceptance many
times on this blog in other facets of my life. Acceptance is the base of
everything in life. When you can accept the things you cannot change, which
includes people and who they are, life becomes such a different experience.
People can change but they have to want to change themselves. We cannot change
them.
My ex, well, I had to accept that no matter how much I loved
him, I could not change him. He needed to make that choice to change for
himself. So I accepted things for the way they were (I certainly could not
change how many kids he has or how many times he has been married) and let go. After
doing that, then I could move on.
Forgiveness does not mean you are saying what that person
did was okay. It’s saying “I accept what happened and I am letting it go”. It
doesn’t mean you’re keeping them in your life. It means you are forgiving them
and moving on. It’s all about cleansing your own heart and soul. When you keep
grudges and don’t forgive, you’re essentially living in the past. When you do
that, how can you move forward? It’s like you’re standing behind a closed door
and refuse to open the door and see what is outside. You stay inside, unhappy
and dwelling on what could have been, on what happened. Honestly, there shouldn’t
be a “what could have been” on your mind because what’s done is done. You can’t
change it. All you can do is ACCEPT it.
I continue to be a work in progress. Some are easier to
forgive than others. I have one family member who I am struggling to forgive. It
continues to be one of the hardest things I have had to deal with in my life. I
remember the pain, havoc and chaos she inflicted onto my life when I was just
10 years old and lived with her for a year. I remember it like yesterday. She
has never apologized to me or even showed remorse. I never thought I could hate
someone like I hate her. Hate is pretty strong word for me because I don’t hate
anyone but her.
However, in retrospect, her mistreatment and neglect forced
me to grow up fast and learn to take care of myself so she gave me a gift. It
could have been worse. I still managed to survive it and thrive. I keep telling
myself…”When you forgive someone, you are freeing your heart and lightening the
load within your heart.” When you let go
of the bad things, you are making space to let more positive things in. This is
one thing I need to do to truly free my heart.
I am determined that I will. I have to do it for me above
all else. Even though Day 15 of the challenge has passed (we are almost done at
Day 20), I will still have my Day 15 from time to time. Forgiveness is never easy but very necessary.
''I was deeply affected by what you've done to me in the
past. I realize that I CANNOT change it, but I can accept it.''
It feels so good to say that.
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