Fearless Fridays: Worry Less, Accept More, Part 2

Last week, I talked about my experience of being delayed at Tampa International Airport and how my patience got me through the situation. As I wrote last week, my mantra in life going forward is to worry less, accept more. That outlook on life goes hand in hand with so many things we deal with on a daily basis. One of the biggest challenges many of us face come from others in our lives. 

One of the biggest lessons I have learned in life is that people will only disappoint you if you let them. If we accept people at face value, then there are no surprises. A person will always show you who they are. It is up to you to see their true selves. Many of us make excuses for others when they wrong us. But at the end of the day, we always have a choice. We can choose whether to deal with them or not. A big part of worrying less and accepting more comes from how we feel about ourselves. It always comes back to YOU. If you know your worth and are confident, you won’t worry about what others are doing. You will accept that everyone has their own path to walk and that things will fall into place, as they are meant to.

One of the most important lessons my dad ever taught me was the importance of confidence. He always told me that people will not take you seriously and will think that they can take advantage of you if they feel you are not confident in who you are. In his opinion, lack of confidence shows weakness and there are people out there who will use that to their benefit.  See? It’s like that saying, “If you can’t love yourself, how are you going to love someone else?” Or be loved back, for that matter. You don’t even know what love is if you don’t have it for yourself.

Having confidence means showing the world that you are proud to be you. It’s as if you are celebrating who you are. It’s a party wherever you go because you are happy to be you. When you know your worth and value to the world, you will settle for nothing.  You certainly won’t stand for mistreatment. You will not let people into your life who will bring you down.  When you’re confident, you make better decisions and stand by them. You’re not afraid to fail because you are confident to know that while this may not have worked out, it doesn’t mean giving up entirely.

Confidence is not an easy thing for some. We all have moments of low confidence. It happens. We’re all human. But my dad also told me that in moments of low confidence, you have to “fake it ‘til you make it”. Because how you carry yourself is how people see you. And that is what you will attract back into your life. Moments of low confidence do not mean you are not confident. It just means you’re having a moment. What matters is what you do next. You can pick yourself up and try again or you can give up. Again, it’s all up to you.

The little things like how you stand, how you walk and how you speak say a lot about who you are. Confident people stand up straight and are not afraid to look at someone in the eyes. They walk with their head up high and smile on their faces. They speak in a tone which commands attention and respect. When you speak low, almost to a whisper and can’t look someone in the eyes when speaking to them, that’s telling the other person that you don’t believe in what you’re expressing. That other person is not going to be affected by anything you’ve said.

Improve your body language and you will improve your relationships and life. And even when you are not feeling as confident as usual, still play the part. Stand straight, head high and keep it moving. I always call it my runway walk. Even when I am feeling lousy, once I start doing my runway walk, it makes me feel better and it reminds me of my greatness.

Always remember that there is only one you in the world. There is no one else like you. Think of how powerful that is. You are you. And you were made this way for a reason. No one is going to love you as much as you love yourself. No one can validate you as much as you validate yourself. So stop worrying about what others think or say. Accept that they feel that way but that, that is not who you are. You are beautiful, smart, talented, caring and you are just YOU. 

Fearless Fridays: Worry Less, Accept More, Part 1

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ~ Lao Tzu

I am writing this as I sit in Tampa International Airport, trying to catch a flight back home to New York. This is Day #2. Yes, you read right. I was here yesterday, which was my original return flight date. I ended up spending 10 hours at the airport. My flight was canceled due to mechanical problems and the flights after that were delayed hours due to weather in the Northeast. I went from being on a 10:15am flight to a 5:30pm flight, which got delayed to 8pm. After that, I decided to stay the night and try again tomorrow. So here I am.

Going through this experience really tested my patience. And it made me see that I am a patient person. I always thought I was impatient but now I see that really it was just me having moments of impatience.  Overall I am a patient person. I think that my patience comes from the positive mindset I always set out to have. It’s something I work on daily. Sometimes it is not easy but as I keep trying on a daily basis, it becomes easier because it becomes a habit. That’s what growth in life is all about.  

One of my recent life goals has been to worry less and accept more. That is my mantra, which I repeat to myself when I am in situations such as this one at the airport. I think that goes hand in hand with patience. When you worry less and accept more, you are building your patience. That’s growth in a nutshell. Just as we strive to build relationships with people, we have to build one with ourselves. One of the ways to build that relationship with yourself is to make better choices when handling tough situations.   

When we worry about something, it affects our mood and our mindset. And I kept telling myself as I watched people get angry and yell at the gate agents, “Why get angry? It will not change the fact that the flight is delayed.” It takes so much energy to be angry, frustrated, and worrisome. I made the choice to not get angry over something beyond my control. Instead, I was patient. I didn’t worry. I had to wait it out and see what happens. It’s all any of us can do, when you think of it. As my dad used to always say, “It is what it is.” My father was a big believer in accepting things and people as they are and not dwelling on the disappointments and setbacks. You learn the lesson and then keep moving. Moving forward…

Sometimes all it takes is taking a moment, being still and putting things in perspective. Once you do that, it is so much easier to accept the situation and not freak out. For me, it helps to breathe and do some sort of meditation. Some people laugh at me when I say that but real talk, it works. Our minds can become so cluttered with everything going on around us. Sometimes it pays to be still and just clear your mind so you can see things clearer.

Now when I say “meditation”, I don’t mean that I got on the floor right there in the middle of the airport, sat cross-legged and started humming. I just sat in a corner and focused on my breathing. I took deep breaths and relaxed myself. Then I thought about my situation and the options. I then said to myself, “It is what it is. I can wait or I can go and try again tomorrow.” I ended up waiting all day but then coming back the next day. 

My flight today was scheduled to depart at 10:15am but is now delayed until 10:40am. I’m calm, smiling and in good spirits. If I can’t get on a flight today, it’s okay. Everything happens for a reason. Who knew I could experience growth from sitting in an airport? I sure didn’t. I am pretty proud of myself.

Special note: My flight ended up departing at 10:45am and I am home! After an exhausting two days, I am happy to be home. But I don’t regret what happened because I passed another test on my patience with flying colors. Remember, you always have a choice, down to how you view a situation. You can look at it with a positive perspective or you can look at it negatively. The choice is yours and the right one will change your life for the better.

The keys to patience are acceptance and faith. Accept things as they are, and look realistically at the world around you. Have faith in yourself and in the direction you have chosen. ~ Ralph Marston 

Fearless Fridays: Taking Control of Your Story, Part 2

2012 will be over in a few days. Are you ready? I know I am. I’m starting the new year with a clean slate. I have cleaned house in my life and have let go of toxic people and things. I have my list of goals I want to accomplish. I am so excited for what’s to come. Many people say 2013 is a lucky year, especially if the number 13 is your lucky number. As I mentioned last week in part 1 of this blog, we are all closing out a chapter in our lives with the year ending. December 21st marked the winter solstice, the ending of one time cycle and the beginning of a new one.  So this is a great time for a do-over. It’s never too late to renew your life and take control of your story.

Many times, taking control of your story is as simple as looking at the current story we are telling ourselves. You tell the world your story as you live it but you are also essentially telling that story to yourself as well. We are watching our own stories and reacting to them. If we react negatively, it’s almost as if we are telling ourselves that our life is not great and will never work out. That is self-sabotage and will just keep our life in that state. Your life is what you make it. So ask yourself: How are you telling the story of your life? Are you telling your story from a negative outlook?

If you are living out your story in a negative state, one of the ways you can change that is to change your way of thinking. The power of thinking is incredible. Many of us don’t realize that all it takes is a positive outlook to change things around.  Even in the words we speak, we are determining our outlook in life. The words can’t, won’t, should of, would of, don’t and any other words used in a negative fashion should not even be in your vocabulary. As soon as you say you “can’t” do something, you are already setting the tone for what’s to come. You are holding yourself back from living life to its fullest.

It’s not easy to change your way of thinking if you have been in a pity party for years and are used to complaining about your life and how you never seem to catch a break. But the first step is always the hardest. If you’re capable making the first step, then you can do anything you set your mind to. Having a positive outlook is something you work on daily, one day at a time. First, you have to accept that you are accountable for the choices you make. You cannot place blame on others and the world for a lack of successes and happiness. You have to check yourself on this, accept that you are the reason things have not been going right because of the poor choices you have been making and then make a commitment to make better choices. 

Second, you have to stop worrying about what someone else has. Everyone has their own journey and while someone else may seem to have it all, you never know the full story. Everyone has their own crosses to bear in life. No one’s life is perfect.  When you focus on someone else and what they have, it takes your focus off of your own life. You are not meant to have what the next person has. You are meant to have your own successes. You have your own journey to walk. You have your own story. No two stories are the same. So instead of focusing on someone else and being jealous of what they have, celebrate the fact that your story is unique, can always change, that you are in control and always have a choice.

Another thing that many of us do to ourselves is beat ourselves up when we fail. To live a happy life, don't be so hard on yourself.  It’s perfectly normal to want to win but you have to accept that you won’t always win because some things are not meant for you to gain. Sometimes a loss is a blessing. It shows us a lesson and helps us to grow on our journey. It can give us strength and increased determination, if we let it. Again, it’s all about a positive way of thinking. My dad used to always tell me that failure doesn't mean you're a loser because at least you tried.  There are people out there who give up without trying because of fear. Then you will never know if you would have won or lost. And that’s worse than trying and seeing the end result, good or bad. Because whether it’s good or bad, you will get something out it. If you keep trying, you will succeed more times than you fail because of all the lessons learned from the losses.

Anyone who knows me knows my love for the TV show Survivor and Jeff Probst. He has a mantra he lives by, which I love: Say yes to adventure! Adventure comes in many forms. You don’t have to climb Mt Everest or see the Great Wall of China. An adventure can be as simple as leaving your house to take a walk. When you say YES to adventure, you are committing to putting yourself out there in the world. Putting yourself out there means putting yourself in situations where you can allow the Universe to place people and opportunities in your path. The love of your life or the job you love will not come knocking on your door and be handed to you. Nothing will find you if you are locked up in your house, in your pajamas. Having adventure in your life will make you feel empowered and good. Most of all, it will make you happy. 

For me, just being outside is an adventure. I love people watching. I love looking at the sky and appreciating the world and all its beauty. It makes me feel rejuvenated and alive. I love to travel for this reason. It is amazing to me how I can get on a plane and be in an entirely different part of the world in a matter of hours. It is incredible to see the different architecture and customs. Do what you love and also dare to do things out of the box that are new and exciting. That is your adventure.

As long as you have a dream in your heart that you believe in and a desire to bring that dream into fruition, there is nothing that can stop you from making that happen in your life but YOU. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither was your life. Take it one day at a time. We are all works in progress but what matters is that we make the effort to be better people and have better lives. 

Bottom line: change your story and you will change your life. Just make sure that story is a great one. Happy New Year, everyone! Wishing all of you an amazing year ahead full of growth, evolution and happiness. It's the best gift you can give yourself. Cheers! xo

Fearless Fridays: Taking Control of Your Story, Part 1

We’re almost at the end of the year, folks. 2012 was a very pivotal year for me personally and professionally. I have to be honest and say I am not sad to see this year end. However, no matter what happens, at the end of the day, we each have control over the story of our lives. 

If you are unhappy with the state of your life at the moment, the upside is that your life doesn’t have to stay that way. The next chapter of your life can be rewritten. As I have said before, we all have a choice. We can choose to be a hero or a victim. We can choose what we do next. We always have a choice. So do you choose to stand still in your own pity party and not grow? Or do you choose to make a change and take control of your story?

If you choose to take control of your story, all you have to do is rewrite it. And now is a great time. Not New Year’s Eve. Not January 1st. NOW. We are closing out a chapter with the year ending; today is the winter solstice and according to the Mayans, it is the ending of one time cycle and the beginning of a new one. It is a time for renewal and starting over. Some people actually view the next three days as a solstice sojourn and take this time to clean out their lives, open their heart and spirit to what’s coming in 2013. Empty and receive – those are the major words to describe this solstice period. It is a time to really listen to your inner voice and set goals for the next year.

If you want to make changes in your life for the better and rewrite the next chapter of your story, you have to be committed to making some changes in your life. It won’t be easy but I promise you, it will be worth it. Your happiness and well-being are invaluable so any tough steps to getting there and achieving the best life you can live is well worth it.

First and foremost, it is so important to surround yourself with positive people and things .  Throughout your life, you have to clean house. Some people are only meant to be in your life for a season. Sometimes we tend to try to hold on to these seasonal people and when they have outgrown their season, they become toxic to our lives. Just as you clean your home and get rid of things you no longer use, the same has to be done in your life. Your space should be something you hold invaluable and take great care as to who you choose to let in your space. 

When you surround yourself with positive people who mirror what you want to achieve in your life, you will see the difference in your way of thinking, your mood and your overall outlook on life. It’s also important to surround yourself with positive places. If you are somewhere that makes you unhappy, that will affect your life negatively. It’s hard to let go of some people and places but once you do, it will change your life for the better. Just listen to your intuition and pay attention to how they treat you. That will show you who are lifelong friends and who are seasonal. It’s like what Maya Angelou once said, “When someone first shows you who they are, believe them.” People won’t change and we cannot control their actions. But we can control who we let into our life and where we choose to be.

Next, make love a priority in your life - for yourself and others. If you don’t love yourself, you will not know how to love someone else and let them love you fully. As I always say, there is only one you in the world and that’s an amazing thing. You were put on this Earth as you for a reason. Everything starts with you. You have to believe in yourself and what you can do in your life. No one else can do that for you. Once you love yourself, you will be able to love freely and get that love back in your life. You will not stand for mistreatment or abuse because you love yourself enough to know your worth. Loving yourself is not easy for some. But is very necessary to live your life to its fullest.

Loving yourself is a daily project. It won’t happen overnight, especially if you have spent most of your life not being happy with yourself. Start off by focusing on the parts of you that you love, physically and non-physically. Start doing little things for yourself that you enjoy. Start speaking positively to yourself and others. Learn to enjoy being you. As in the start of every great love affair, you have to start somewhere and build from there. The love will grow, believe me. You just have to take that first step and accept you for who you are. Now if there is something about you that you don’t like, again, you have a choice. You can change IF you really want to. Instead of commiserating over it, do something about it. Accepting yourself as you are does not mean you have to stay the way you are. You have to be who you are happiest being. You have to be true to yourself. For example, do you want to lose weight and be healthier? All it takes is being active and eating better. Do you want to be a more giving person? Then volunteer or help someone. We each have the power within us to be the best person we can be if we choose to be. 

One of the most important things you can do in your life is take a chance. So many opportunities are thrown in our path but we miss them because we let fear stop us from taking a chance. If you take a chance on something or someone and it doesn't work out, then it wasn't in the cards. It was not meant to be. But at least, you know the outcome because you took the chance. There will be no “what ifs”. There is a reason for everything and a lesson to be learned from every experience. And while some experiences don’t work out in the end, during the experience, you may have the time of your life or may encounter something or someone that will lead to an even bigger and better opportunity. You are doing yourself and the world a disservice when you don't take a chance and put yourself out there. So just take a chance and let go. You never know what could happen.

Next week, I will continue to give tips on how to rewrite the next chapter of your life in part 2 of this blog. Let’s start 2013 with a renewed outlook on life and commitment to living the best lives we can.

I wish all of you and your families a wonderful holiday. Be thankful, be inspired and most of all, be YOU. xoxo  

Fearless Fridays: The Lessons I Learned From My Dad

In the midst of all the Superstorm Sandy mess, my dad’s 63th birthday crept on me on November 10. I spent so much time trying to prepare for the day and then Sandy happened, which totally turned my life upside down. I had planned to be in Tampa on his birthday, to spread some of his ashes in the ocean from the pier in Clearwater Beach. But of course, life intervened in the form of Superstorm Sandy.

His birthday marked not only his birthday, but 19 months since he passed away. It’s just like my dad to pass away with the dates matching evenly. I always say I got my attention to detail and desire to make sure everything is neat and orderly from him. I spent the day, thinking of him non-stop. So many things have happened in my life in such a short time and it caused me to really reflect on my life. It has made me see what needs work and what I need to do to move forward.

I always talk about the lessons I have learned from my father. He was one of the smartest men I knew and he prepared me for life. He saw my strength within, even when I didn’t know it existed. And this is why he continually taught me about life and how to handle the ups and downs. He knew I could take it and he knew I would get through it all. He knew I was strong enough.

One lesson he always reminded me of was how life is one continuous test. We will always be presented with forks in the road. Sometimes those forks in the road come disguised as setbacks and disappointments. Sometimes they are disguised as being in a comfortable situation but having that restless feeling in your gut that you need to move on. Your intuition is never wrong and listening to your intuition is making a decision when you come to that fork in the road, on which path to take.

Daddy used to always tell me that opportunities will always be presented along your journey but we make the decision on how we receive those opportunities. We can choose to seize them or we can choose to ignore them. Either way, you are choosing which path to take. Many times, we encounter setbacks and disappointments and the pain from that halts us on our journey because we are too emotional to see the lesson. That lesson shows us what path we need to stay on. So we may take the wrong path on the road because we let our emotions rule our decision.

With everything that has happened in the last two years, from my dad’s sudden passing to my relationship failing to even Superstorm Sandy, I have made the choice to not let my emotions affect my steps going forward. I think of Daddy and what he would do. It’s hard for me because I am an emotional person. I take things to heart. I’m still grieving 19 months later for my father like it was yesterday when I got the call that he was gone. I’m still hurt over that failed relationship because I gave this man my all and did nothing wrong, yet he still broke my heart. And then Sandy just thrust me into this space where I didn’t feel safe. I felt out of control and thrown out of my familiar routine and life. Which leads to another key lesson I learned from my father…

I have to live my life the best way I can and not have regrets. When you have regrets, it’s just like you’re holding onto the past. It is what it is. It happened and there is nothing you can do to change that. You can never change the past. However, you can rewrite your story going forward and have a different ending. Instead of having regret and looking back, start to look forward. Be excited at the possibilities that await you. Accept that those past mistakes and regrets are just that…in the past.

In order to fully live life, we have to keep looking forward. If you keep looking back, you won’t see what is awaits you on your journey. My dad admitted to me that he made plenty of mistakes in his life but his life was such a great story and he died with no regrets. He did the best he could with what he had. It’s as simple as that.

I go back home this weekend, back to my life post-Sandy. The power is back on and the rebuild has begun. I am so lucky and fortunate to have a home to go back to.  So many lost their homes and belongings.  And out of this whole thing, I have to say, it has really made me discover another facet to my calling in this world. It has made me realize that it is okay to be nice and want to help others. We live in a world where people are in such a “ME” mode and are suspicious of anyone wanting to offer help. As I said a few weeks ago, all it takes is one person to make a change and start that domino effect in the world. If you have a pure, genuine heart, let it shine through. Be who you are. You are giving the world a great gift when you are true to yourself. 

I have seen so many pure, genuine hearts in the last three weeks and it inspires me to be a better person. The world is not as bad as I thought. I know my dad is looking down at me, proud. He sees his legacy continuing strong as ever and sees that his lessons are being put into full use. Thank you, Daddy, for the lessons you taught me. Happy birthday. I love you infinity.

Fearless Fridays: Are You Living or Existing?

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.  ~Judy Garland

A friend of mine posted an interesting question on her Facebook page the other day, which caught my attention. It was simply: Are you living or existing?

Talk about powerful! Often, we are just existing and don’t even realize it. It’s easy to put your life on auto-pilot when you’re comfortable in your everyday routine. But being comfortable doesn’t always equal happiness. Remember that you determine your life’s story. You make decisions along your journey that will take you on a certain path. Getting used to a familiar and comfortable routine in your life is essentially just getting by. You’re not being your best self by just getting by.

See, in life, it is not enough to just get by and be comfortable all the time. Life has so much more to offer than that, if you choose to take a chance and seize those opportunities. You are here for a reason and it is not just to exist. I know life can be hard, believe me. We are faced with setbacks and disappointments on a daily basis. However, pushing through those dark times are big wins. And learning the lesson from those moments is the ultimate victory because it will help you to be one step closer to being your best self. 

But when you let those dark moments keep you from living, you are just giving up and existing. That is no way to live life, especially since you only have one life to live. Your mindset is very important in being your best self. Your thoughts shape your actions and your life. Positive thinking can do a long way. It won’t eliminate all of your problems but it will help you to deal with them in better way. And it will help you to let go and move on.

Life is meant to be that story where there are more happy moments than sad. It is meant to be a great story where we realize our potential and pursue our dreams. Life is what you make it to be. So think about it, if you decide to make your life wonderful, think of how much you can do with your life. Honestly, all it takes is accepting responsibility for what you are doing in your life and making the decision to not just get by anymore. Why settle for mediocrity when you have dreams in your heart, which when pursued and attained, will turn your life into something awesome?

First things first, you have to be honest with yourself and see yourself for who you are, flaws and all. No one is perfect so stop criticizing yourself and second guessing yourself. Instead, think about how you can change what you are not happy with. For example, want to change jobs? Then make the decision to revamp your resume and start looking for opportunities out there. Make a list of things you’d like to change and then make decisions on how you can make your changes happen.

Second, you have to accept yourself, all of yourself. Love yourself, flaws and all. Accept that while you may not be a rocket scientist, you are meant for something great in your life. You won’t find your true calling unless you accept you for who you are and honestly, do some soul searching on where your strengths lie and how you can align those strengths with your dreams.

Third, you must change your mindset. It’s like I said above, your thoughts are such an important part of being your best self. You can either be the president of your own fan club or your own worst enemy. It’s your choice. Once you change your mindset, you are looking at your life with a new set of eyes. And once you change your mindset, you are actually allowing yourself to open your mind to the possibilities out there.

Lastly, you have to put yourself out there in the world and simply live your life to the fullest. It’s all about action. Once you take action in your life to be your best self, great things will start to happen. The right people will come into your life. The right opportunities will come into your life.

So don’t wait until tomorrow to make a change. Make the decision to change TODAY. You owe it to yourself to be the best you that you can be. Don’t talk about it, be about it! It’s like the saying goes, “Be that person you want to meet.”  By changing yourself for the better, you are changing your world for the better. Don't just exist. Live!

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. ~Steve Jobs

Fearless Fridays: Journaling is Good For The Soul

Writing has always been a form of escape for me. I began to journal when I was 10. It was a traumatic year for me. I went to live with a relative for a year so I was in a new school, a new home. And it was not a great experience for me at all. For reasons I won't divulge here, it was one of the worst years of my life that defined and shaped who I am today. Being able to write and journal my feelings helped me get through it all. Journaling helped me while I was in a dark space in my life. It gave me strength. My journal became my best friend; my lifeline.

As the years progressed, my journaling continued. It made me feel better to put my feelings down on paper. It was as if I was purging myself and leaving all the crap behind in my journal. Even today, my journaling is one of the things that I rely on in order to heal my spirit when needed. But it has become more than that. A journal wasn't just a place to record my negative moments. It also became a space to celebrate the good stuff, too. I have times where I go back and read past entries. It shows me how far I have come in my life. It helps me to reflect and let go.

Journaling is essentially telling your story. Everyone's story has its good and bad moments. But it is YOUR story; YOUR life. Journaling is therapeutic. It's never good to keep things bottled up. And if you have no one to talk to and vent to...well, you have your journal where you can write as much as you want and say whatever you want. Your journal is your space to do what you see fit.

There is no standard way to journal. A friend of mine journals by writing poetry. I have another friend who does video entries. Some people have private blogs online where they journal. Or you can do it the old-fashioned way like I do and journal in a notebook. You choose how you want to journal. It's all about telling your story in the way you want to tell it. Since you are creating your own space, you have the freedom to set it up however you want. That freedom is a powerful feeling. It makes you feel free enough to let go of the emotional baggage because you are releasing those feelings into your journal.  An essential part of life is letting go. If you can't let go, you can't move further on your journey. So a journal is the perfect companion for you while on your journey.

A journal can also aid as a guidebook to you during your journey. Old journal entries can work wonders on keeping you in check, let me tell you. By reading past entries, you can rediscover the things you need to do in your life to make changes for the better.  And you can also see how you once were and see how far you have come. You certainly don't want to go backwards in life, only forward.  Through your journal, your past self can check your present self and make sure you don't make the same mistakes or react the same way to a situation.

It’s just something about having a notebook to write anything I want in it, that makes me feel calm and safe.  The best thing about a journal? You don’t need to be a writer to journal. Just write how you feel and let it flow. You will be amazed at what will come out and how great you will feel after.

Journaling is good for the soul. This I know. I can't imagine where I'd be today if I couldn't write my feelings and experiences out on paper. Journaling has helped me to be more open in life. It has provided me with a way to see myself as I really am and realize that I am okay. I am normal. I am enough. It helps me to make my voice heard. When there are times when I feel like I can't say something to someone or about something out loud, I know that I have my journal. I can write it all out and leave it there. 

So if you're feeling like you're carrying too much weight on your heart and soul, you need to release that immediately. All you need is a piece of paper and a pen...or even just a laptop or a cell phone. Just find a way to write it out and let go. Trust me, you will feel better and life will be better. Life is short, unexpected and never guaranteed. All we have are the moments. So tell your story today, let go and let it be.

Fearless Fridays: The Power of Forgiveness

This month, I am taking part in The Big Girl Movement’s  21-Day Speak Love, Spread Love Challenge. It’s a great idea that the wonderful Erica Ware of BGM came up with. She is always such a positive force for all women and a beautiful person I am proud to call a friend. This challenge consists of daily tasks we are asked to do, which help us to speak love and spread love…for ourselves and others. It has brought complete strangers together where we are all supporting and uplifting each other.

This challenge has been pretty easy in a sense for me until Day 15. Day 15’s task was as follows:

“For anyone who has wronged you, make the choice right now to FORGIVE THEM! Write a list of the people, or person, who has caused you pain, or discomfort, that you are having trouble forgiving. Once you create your list, say: ''I was deeply affected by what you've done to me in the past. I realize that I CANNOT change it, but I can accept it'' (Say it with conviction, like you really are ready to move on with your life. He who angers you, controls you. Discard of your list in whichever way you choose.”

For me, forgiveness is extremely tough and something I continue to work on to this day. Ironically, I am listening to “Bust Your Windows” by Jazmine Sullivan as I type this blog.  I listen it to now with a smile on my face because I look back to two years ago, when I found out that my boyfriend at the time had lied to me basically about everything. I was so in love with him and my whole view of him was shattered. He was an unfaithful man and a liar. He lied about how many kids he had, his situation, everything. I believed he loved me, yes. But his idea of love and mine were two very different ones. Back then, I was so angry and pissed off. I felt like I was on an episode of Maury minus the DNA test, thank goodness!  It took me some time but I did forgive him. I realized that I had to forgive him, not so much for him but for me. That anger was eating me up. And I realized that it was holding me back from really experiencing the love I wanted in my life.

We have all been wronged by someone but honestly, that will never change. People will always do something wrong. We’re all human and not perfect. This is what I had to accept. There goes that word again…ACCEPT. Acceptance is key in life. It is connected to so many things. I have talked about acceptance many times on this blog in other facets of my life. Acceptance is the base of everything in life. When you can accept the things you cannot change, which includes people and who they are, life becomes such a different experience. People can change but they have to want to change themselves. We cannot change them.

My ex, well, I had to accept that no matter how much I loved him, I could not change him. He needed to make that choice to change for himself. So I accepted things for the way they were (I certainly could not change how many kids he has or how many times he has been married) and let go. After doing that, then I could move on.

Forgiveness does not mean you are saying what that person did was okay. It’s saying “I accept what happened and I am letting it go”. It doesn’t mean you’re keeping them in your life. It means you are forgiving them and moving on. It’s all about cleansing your own heart and soul. When you keep grudges and don’t forgive, you’re essentially living in the past. When you do that, how can you move forward? It’s like you’re standing behind a closed door and refuse to open the door and see what is outside. You stay inside, unhappy and dwelling on what could have been, on what happened. Honestly, there shouldn’t be a “what could have been” on your mind because what’s done is done. You can’t change it. All you can do is ACCEPT it.

I continue to be a work in progress. Some are easier to forgive than others. I have one family member who I am struggling to forgive. It continues to be one of the hardest things I have had to deal with in my life. I remember the pain, havoc and chaos she inflicted onto my life when I was just 10 years old and lived with her for a year. I remember it like yesterday. She has never apologized to me or even showed remorse. I never thought I could hate someone like I hate her. Hate is pretty strong word for me because I don’t hate anyone but her.

However, in retrospect, her mistreatment and neglect forced me to grow up fast and learn to take care of myself so she gave me a gift. It could have been worse. I still managed to survive it and thrive. I keep telling myself…”When you forgive someone, you are freeing your heart and lightening the load within your heart.”  When you let go of the bad things, you are making space to let more positive things in. This is one thing I need to do to truly free my heart.

I am determined that I will. I have to do it for me above all else. Even though Day 15 of the challenge has passed (we are almost done at Day 20), I will still have my Day 15 from time to time.  Forgiveness is never easy but very necessary.

''I was deeply affected by what you've done to me in the past. I realize that I CANNOT change it, but I can accept it.'' 

It feels so good to say that.

Fearless Fridays: Ignorance is Bliss

I am so hooked right now on the new television show The New Normal on NBC. This week's episode really hit home for me because it was all about dealing with ignorant people in the world. Someone somewhere will always have something to say. I know that fact very well from being a plus size woman in this world. When you're different and don't fit someone's idea of what is standard or "normal", it makes them uncomfortable and we end up being the brunt of their backlash and ignorance.

After spending many years, being so angry about it, I realized that I cannot fight the world. So I trained myself to ignore it. It took years for me to get to a place where I learned how to be oblivious to the stares and comments. The saying "Ignorance is bliss" is so true. And that's the kind of ignorance I want to deal with  - the blissful kind. 

Sometimes it's better not to know everything. I used to be so observant about everything around me and frankly, it drove me nuts. To know that people were staring…to hear what people were saying…it really made me paranoid and defensive. I always thought once I stepped out the house, it was not safe. So I would immediately put up a wall of protection and be ready to go to “war”. Whenever I’d go out, I’d always have words with at least one person or flip off someone with my middle finger. It never failed. I’d go home, feeling drained and defeated because if this was my fate, how was I supposed to be 100% happy? I was spending too much time, fighting the world.

However, acceptance is everything. It is certainly not easy but it is necessary in order to live a happy life. Once you accept that you can’t make everyone happy and that what’s most important is your own happiness, it makes dealing with ignorant people so much better. I also learned that if you looked at the reasoning behind someone’s words and understand where they are coming from, it makes it easier to not let it affect you. Just know, at the end of the day, you’re not the problem. They are. You are entitled to be who you are and live in this world just like anyone else, no matter what anyone thinks.

One of the characters on The New Normal said something during this week’s episode that really resonated with me. He told his partner that instead of dwelling on the losses, we should celebrate the wins. What a great way to look at things! For every ignorant person out there, there is someone who supports and celebrates people who are different. There are people out there who do not judge someone on their size, race, gender or sexual preference.

I think, while we do still live in a world where ignorance and hate still reside towards big people, it is not the majority way of thought as it once was. I feel a shift coming. Women are becoming more comfortable with their curves and accepting that not everyone is meant to be a size 0. The “Health at Every Size” movement is growing. Plus-size fashion is becoming a big business. Rome wasn’t built in a day and the world can’t change overnight. But one day at a time, we should celebrate the wins.

If we better ourselves by loving ourselves and owning who we are, we are helping in making the world change. When we show those ignorant people that no matter what they say, we’re still going to go out and live our lives to the fullest, this proves to them that their words have no power. When words have no power, they lose all credibility. By not being afraid to be who we are without shame, we are also inspiring our fellow plus size sisters to be happy and own who they are as well.

Me in Paris - 2010

This week, I lost a friend because she made a negative statement on her Facebook page about traveling with big people. I was shocked because I considered her a friend and was very hurt by her comment. I was even more hurt by her reaction when I said something about it. She was so defensive and accused me of being sensitive. She then said that since it was her page, she can say whatever she wants to say and not be censored. While that is true, still…what happened to being considerate of others? If you are my friend but have negative feelings about “big people”, then what does that say about how you feel about me? That means she and I would never travel with each other, which in my opinion, is her loss since I have been all around the world AT MY SIZE and have had a blast doing so.

It takes special people to be my friend. I know this. But that just makes me appreciate them even more. When I say “special”, I mean that they have to be considerate, loving, caring and non-judgmental. They have to love me unconditionally and see past my size. They have to not be afraid to be seen with me and not care what the world thinks. Yes, those are special people. So she was not one of the special ones and I severed the friendship.

I also learned that while I do ignore the comments and stares most of the time, it’s okay to say how you feel if someone offends you, especially if it is someone who is a part of your life. Part of changing the world is changing who you let into your world.  Having someone toxic in your life is only going to hinder you on your self-love journey. We deal with enough ignorance from strangers so why should we have to tolerate it within our own circles? I always say, if you’re not down for me 100%, then you’re not really my friend. A real friend won’t smile up in your face and then the next minute, talk negatively about being fat and etc. If you have an issue with your own self-image and don't love yourself, it is not my fault that I, on the other hand, can love myself at the size that I am. I don’t tolerate or allow that foolery into my life.  If that makes me sensitive, then so be it. I own that. I have a right to be that way. If you haven’t walked in my shoes, you have no idea.

So I am on my own journey to finding that balance between blissful ignorance and speaking up when necessary. I pick and choose my battles very carefully. Now I do have my moments when my middle finger has a mind of its own. But I am a work of progress. What counts is that I refuse to limit my life because of what others may think of me. As I always say, you only have one life to live, so why not live it to its fullest? Who knows? I may inspire someone to do the same. All it takes is one person to start a revolution.

Fearless Fridays: Facing Your Fears

"Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live." ~ Dorothy Thompson

My journey got a swift kick in the butt four years ago when I was laid off from my job and dumped by my boyfriend in the same week. To top it off, my now ex-boyfriend had actually left me for someone else. My world had been turned upside down all at once.  I worked at the same job for seven years so it was definitely a shocker to suddenly be let go. I came into work at 8:30am. By 11am, my boss called me and said her boss wanted to meet with me. By 12n, I was being escorted out of the building, unemployed and stunned. I had no idea my day would turn out that way.  I didn’t know it then but that was the Universe’s way of basically kicking me out of my comfort zone so I can proceed on my journey.

We all go through moments in our lives where we become comfortable and unintentionally end up “stuck” in our current state. However, life is not meant to be spent in one place. Our journey is all about progressing and moving along. Our personal evolutions cannot happen unless we continue to move along in life. The Universe/God will always nudge you along your journey and throw opportunities your way that are meant to help you get to where you’re supposed to be. But this is where our free will comes into play.  It’s like what my dad used to always say: “You can lead someone to the pool but it is up to them to decide if they want to jump in or not.”

Despite those great opportunities in our path, we ultimately choose which road to travel. These opportunities look very good to us and we may feel that twinge in our heart that tells us it is the right opportunity for us. But… something holds us back from seizing that opportunity. We choose to instead stay where we are, where we are comfortable. Almost always, the reason why we stay in our comfort zone is because of fear.

Fear is definitely a roadblock on anyone’s journey.  Don’t get me wrong; fear is normal to experience.  We all have our moments of fear at times in our lives. However, in order to be successful in life, we have to learn to face our fears and push through that roadblock on our path. Or else, you will never realize your full potential.

When we let fear block us from fully experiencing life, we then start to use the following words regularly, which I call the “trilogy of regret”: would of, could of, and should of. You’ll look back at your life and ask yourself something like, “What WOULD OF happened had I taken that job promotion?” Or, “What COULD OF happened if I had spoken up and expressed my ideas?” The worst is “should of”. You then realize that you SHOULD OF made a different choice because you now know after the fact that the outcome would have been in your favor. Making a choice outside of your comfort zone is taking a chance. And taking a chance in life is a fearless move.

As my daily mantra goes, you only get one shot at your life, so why not take a chance? What do you have to lose? To take a chance is to be bold and daring. And that is such an empowering feeling that will make you forget that roadblock called fear. I didn’t always see things this way. I used to be the person who started something but then didn’t finish. I was afraid of the outcome because I could not control it. I grew comfortable in where I was in my journey because me being comfortable made me feel like I was in control. The funny thing about life is that even when you grow comfortable in your life, you are never fully in control. The Universe/God is not having that. Situations will be thrown at you that will shake up your life, just as it happened to me four years ago.

Your life is shaken up so you can see that you have stayed still for too long. And that you are destined for bigger and better things. For me, in looking back, I see that I was in that job longer than I should have been. My journey had halted. I also was with someone that I didn’t belong with but stayed with him because it was comfortable. Sometimes if you can’t walk away and let go on your own, the Universe/God forces you out of that situation. And you are given another opportunity to resume your journey. Some doors close for a reason. Let them.

I learned that it’s not about what goes wrong in your life because there will always be disappointments, setbacks and letdowns. It’s about how you deal with them. When you face your fears and push through the dark times…when you opt to not be comfortable and stand still…you can do anything you set your mind to. Facing your fears means living your dreams. It means enjoying the ride. Your journey will be full of ups and downs but when you confront your fears, you can deal with the ride, appreciate it and learn from it. 

I am still a work in progress but I face my fears one day at a time. It’s not easy but I believe in myself and my limitless capabilities in this life. I am now pursuing my love for writing, teaching and just doing what makes me happy. This is how my blog Fearlessly Just Me was born. This is how Fearless Fridays on this site was born. Every week, I get to write about my journey, what I have learned and hopefully, inspire at least one person. I am proof that if I can do it, you can, too. 

I’m not going to keep myself in a box. I am going to be me and that is a wonderful thing. The world is out there for me to explore and even though at times, it scares the crap out of me, I then remind myself that I can do anything I set my mind to because I believe in myself.

Don’t let fear limit you and what you can do in your life. Stay believing in you and tackle each fear, one day at a time.

Need more inspiration on being fearless? Please check out my feature story on the Catherines I Am website: Becoming Fearless One Day at a Time.