Thursday, October 13, 2011

Do You Know Your Self-Worth?

"It is not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are." ~Unknown

Saw this quote the other day online and it resonated so deeply with me. Recently, I broke up with someone who I thought was someone I could possibly build a future with. We were together for about a year. However, things started to unravel slowly for some time, to the point where a month ago, I started to question the relationship – where do we go from here? And I had to really be honest with myself – did I want to stay in a relationship where I was not 100% happy? The decision was an easy one and I think that was because I knew of my worth and knew that I deserved better. When a friend asked me what made me decide to walk away, my answer was: “I love him but I love myself more.”

I have learned that having any kind of relationship is truly what makes you realize how much self-worth you have. You can scream to the world that you love yourself and know you’re worthy of someone great but the proof is in the pudding. The person you choose to be with is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself. Who we date shows how much self-esteem we have within ourselves. This rings true in friendships as well. The people you choose to be in your life and the boundaries you set within those relationships… those choices hinge upon how you really feel about yourself and what you think you are worthy of.

I haven’t always known my self-worth. I fully admit that. I have been a big girl all my life and besides other obstacles we face, dating is something that is not easy for us big girls. We worry about things that our thinner counterparts do not. Their imperfections are more hidden whereas we wear ours for the world to see. The world is a superficial place so people judge on what they see first and then all else comes second. Not every man prefers to date a big girl so rejection is something we are all too familiar with. Sometimes we get those funny looks or are a butt of a joke within a group of men as we pass by. Instead of whistles and catcalls, we may get laughs and sometimes even insults yelled out.

Then you have the flip side – the men who love us physically to the point of a fat fetish. They only want to date a big girl because of her size. I’m sorry but I am not interested in some man coveting my belly roll and wanting to keep me fat. I’m more than a big body. I have a beautiful heart, I’m smart, I’m caring and a million other positive things that I don’t have room on this blog to list. My weight does not define me as a person.

Sadly, some men prey on big girls because they feel we don’t have self-esteem and will sleep with any man that gives us attention because we’re “lucky” that he’s paying attention to us. And don’t let him be cute or successful! Some of us big girls think we have hit the jackpot because we don’t have handsome, successful men knocking on our doors on the regular.

However, handsome and successful do not equal a good man. Do you just buy the first pretty thing you see on a rack when shopping? No. So why would you choose your man in the same manner? With that piece of clothing, you check the price, you try it on and decide if it is something you want to wear and feel good wearing. Same should be done with that man. You have to look past his looks and wallet… see who he really is and if he is worthy of you.

Between society and even within our own circles, our self-esteem sometimes takes a hit and we are made to feel like we are not worthy of a good man, that we have to settle for scraps. Especially if we’re the lone big girl in our circle. What some of us fail to see is that all of that mess is total crap. We don’t have to settle. Because in the end, beauty knows no size and ultimately your guiding factor in all of this is your self-worth.

Case in point: Some of us big girls feel like we have to be overly sexual and give up the cookies to get a man. At the end of the day, if you love yourself and know your worth, then you will respect yourself and love yourself enough to know that you’re worthy of someone great. You certainly don’t have to sleep with a man to get him or put your body on display to get attention. Sexiness is something that comes from within – it’s an attitude and you don’t have to be promiscuous or scantily clad to be sexy.

Now if that’s you and you’re down with that type of lifestyle, okay, own it. I’m not mad at you. Do you. But I want to make this clear to all the men reading this:


So ladies, take a long look in the mirror and recognize your self-worth. Make the decision today to love yourself as you are today. Then make the commitment to not spend your waking moments solely seeking a man. Live your life to the fullest, put yourself out there and enjoy life. He will find you when the time is right. I know it sucks to be alone but believe me, when you’re out there looking high and low for a man, most of the time you will find garbage. The reason that happens is because even though you don’t realize it, when your desire for a mate is so strong and your self-worth is lacking, it comes off as desperation. Unfortunately, some men prey on that. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and confidence has a way of making someone stand out from the rest. It’s as simple as this: When you’re confident and comfortable in your skin, you don’t even have to try hard to get someone’s attention because you will already have it.

For me, on this journey I am on, I have learned along the way that dating in itself is a constant test of self-worth. A person will do to you what you ALLOW them to do to you. You have to love yourself first… honor yourself first… before you can love someone else and let someone love you back fully. If you don’t know your self-worth, you will settle and never be fully fulfilled.

So I ask you, do you know your self-worth?

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