Fearless Fridays: Are you a hero or a victim?

Who you truly are as a person is best revealed by who you are during times of conflict and crisis. ~ Karen Salmansohn

There will be times during your life where you will go through terrible times. Yet those bad moments end up making us better and stronger. Despite it all, we are always given a choice. Do you want to be your own hero? Or do you want to be a victim? 

To be a hero is the harder choice of the two. It’s so easy to just feel sorry for yourself and jump head first into a pity party, where you are the only guest. But despite you choosing the easy route and playing the victim, that role will actually end up with the harder result. When you choose to be the victim, you are choosing to halt your journey. You are choosing to not learn the lesson and not let yourself become a better person. You are choosing to not live your life to its full potential and continue on your path.

When you choose to be your own hero, what makes it so hard is letting go. It’s so hard to let go of the pain and move on. But once you do…WOW. Your life can only get better. You learn the lesson and hopefully, do not make the same mistake twice. But if you do, so what?  The wonderful thing about life is that you will get a do-over; another chance to make a different decision. As long as you choose to be your own hero and not a victim, you will get through it, let go and move on as a better person.

Personally, I have gone through four pivotal moments in my life where I was forced to make that choice between hero and victim. Those moments have defined who I am today. I will admit I chose to be a victim for the first two moments and hero for the latter two.

When I was 10, I was extremely mistreated and neglected by a family member outside of my immediate family. It's still hard to talk about or even utter the word "abuse" but sometimes we have to share our story in order to inspire others on their path. I went to live with this relative for a year and it changed my life and my path. I won’t disclose their identity for privacy reasons but I have no contact with them anymore. It took me years to forgive this person. I had to come to terms with the fact that forgiving this person was for me and not for them. It had to be done in order to let go and move on. Just because you forgive someone does not mean you have to keep them in your life. Out of this terrible experience, I grew up fast and in that, grew my need to control everything around me. I didn’t trust anyone and felt like I had to take care of myself.  This need for control and lack of trust in anyone lasted until my 30’s and caused me to develop some anxiety issues. Yup, that’s what choosing to be a victim did to my life. It affected my relationships, dictated the person I chose to be in a relationship with, affected my friendships…everything. I chose to be a victim by letting that situation change me into a person that was holding herself back from truly living..

Even today, after turning my life around, I have my moments where I have a hard time letting go and relinquishing control. But I have come to realize that there are some things that are beyond my control. I can only control me and my actions. I can’t control others. When I realized this, things became so much easier to deal with. I didn’t impose unrealistic expectations on others. And I didn’t set myself up for disappointment and I certainly didn’t get frustrated easily when people didn’t act the way I expected them to. It’s still hard work but I take it one day at a time.

My first serious relationship lasted eight years and it was a big dysfunctional mess. He cheated on me many times and didn’t treat me the way I wanted to be treated. I chose to be the victim and stay all those years when deep down there was a little, faint voice within, telling me I could do better. But I couldn’t see my worth. I loved the idea of him and of having a boyfriend. I just didn’t know my worth and I settled.  I chose to be a victim. Eight years is a long time but going to college and meeting people along the way who inspired me to be the best person I can be is what finally gave me the courage to walk away. I learned that having a boyfriend didn’t define me and that it’s okay to be alone. I learned to never settle again. If you know your worth, you will never settle.

Then came my dad's passing on April 10, 2011. His death turned my life upside down. I was so hurt. I’m still in pain. And while it was tempting to crawl into bed and be a victim, I just couldn’t do it. I have come such a long way in my life and I knew I would not be honoring my dad by being a victim. So choosing to be my own hero was one of the hardest things I had to do. The lesson I took away from this was that I will never taking anything for granted ever again. I will appreciate the people in my life who I love and will always cherish them. It made me see how short and unpredictable life really is.

However, there are times in your life where you will choose to be your own hero but then have a moment where you slide backwards and become a victim. We’re human. It happens. So eighteen months after my dad’s death, I felt myself slipping. Then Hurricane Sandy happened. Sandy took me out of my comfort zone. Even now, life as I knew it, will never be the same. And I realized that I was slipping backwards because I was getting too comfortable in my life. 

Like I have said before, when you’re comfortable, you’re actually stuck. You think you’re good but really, you’re comfortable and standing still. I choose right now to be my own hero. I think many people affected by Sandy are not only going through a property rebuild but a life rebuild as well. Going through something like this gives you a new perspective on life. It reminded me that I cannot take anything for granted or ever get too comfortable. Life is meant to be lived to the fullest and you can’t do that while being in your comfort zone and being afraid to see what’s out there.

Life is all about staying focused on what you want and working hard for it. This rings true for happiness. If you want to be happy, you have to make the effort to be happy. You have to do things that will make you happy.  Happiness just doesn’t come knocking on your door and saying “I’m HERE!” So why would you choose to be the victim when being your own hero guarantees you happiness? It takes so much strength to rise above setbacks and disappointments, especially when it is one that has hurt the deepest. But if you do that, the results are so worth it.

And you will look back and see that you were stronger than you ever gave yourself credit for, You became your own hero.

Fearless Fridays: The Lessons I Learned From My Dad

In the midst of all the Superstorm Sandy mess, my dad’s 63th birthday crept on me on November 10. I spent so much time trying to prepare for the day and then Sandy happened, which totally turned my life upside down. I had planned to be in Tampa on his birthday, to spread some of his ashes in the ocean from the pier in Clearwater Beach. But of course, life intervened in the form of Superstorm Sandy.

His birthday marked not only his birthday, but 19 months since he passed away. It’s just like my dad to pass away with the dates matching evenly. I always say I got my attention to detail and desire to make sure everything is neat and orderly from him. I spent the day, thinking of him non-stop. So many things have happened in my life in such a short time and it caused me to really reflect on my life. It has made me see what needs work and what I need to do to move forward.

I always talk about the lessons I have learned from my father. He was one of the smartest men I knew and he prepared me for life. He saw my strength within, even when I didn’t know it existed. And this is why he continually taught me about life and how to handle the ups and downs. He knew I could take it and he knew I would get through it all. He knew I was strong enough.

One lesson he always reminded me of was how life is one continuous test. We will always be presented with forks in the road. Sometimes those forks in the road come disguised as setbacks and disappointments. Sometimes they are disguised as being in a comfortable situation but having that restless feeling in your gut that you need to move on. Your intuition is never wrong and listening to your intuition is making a decision when you come to that fork in the road, on which path to take.

Daddy used to always tell me that opportunities will always be presented along your journey but we make the decision on how we receive those opportunities. We can choose to seize them or we can choose to ignore them. Either way, you are choosing which path to take. Many times, we encounter setbacks and disappointments and the pain from that halts us on our journey because we are too emotional to see the lesson. That lesson shows us what path we need to stay on. So we may take the wrong path on the road because we let our emotions rule our decision.

With everything that has happened in the last two years, from my dad’s sudden passing to my relationship failing to even Superstorm Sandy, I have made the choice to not let my emotions affect my steps going forward. I think of Daddy and what he would do. It’s hard for me because I am an emotional person. I take things to heart. I’m still grieving 19 months later for my father like it was yesterday when I got the call that he was gone. I’m still hurt over that failed relationship because I gave this man my all and did nothing wrong, yet he still broke my heart. And then Sandy just thrust me into this space where I didn’t feel safe. I felt out of control and thrown out of my familiar routine and life. Which leads to another key lesson I learned from my father…

I have to live my life the best way I can and not have regrets. When you have regrets, it’s just like you’re holding onto the past. It is what it is. It happened and there is nothing you can do to change that. You can never change the past. However, you can rewrite your story going forward and have a different ending. Instead of having regret and looking back, start to look forward. Be excited at the possibilities that await you. Accept that those past mistakes and regrets are just that…in the past.

In order to fully live life, we have to keep looking forward. If you keep looking back, you won’t see what is awaits you on your journey. My dad admitted to me that he made plenty of mistakes in his life but his life was such a great story and he died with no regrets. He did the best he could with what he had. It’s as simple as that.

I go back home this weekend, back to my life post-Sandy. The power is back on and the rebuild has begun. I am so lucky and fortunate to have a home to go back to.  So many lost their homes and belongings.  And out of this whole thing, I have to say, it has really made me discover another facet to my calling in this world. It has made me realize that it is okay to be nice and want to help others. We live in a world where people are in such a “ME” mode and are suspicious of anyone wanting to offer help. As I said a few weeks ago, all it takes is one person to make a change and start that domino effect in the world. If you have a pure, genuine heart, let it shine through. Be who you are. You are giving the world a great gift when you are true to yourself. 

I have seen so many pure, genuine hearts in the last three weeks and it inspires me to be a better person. The world is not as bad as I thought. I know my dad is looking down at me, proud. He sees his legacy continuing strong as ever and sees that his lessons are being put into full use. Thank you, Daddy, for the lessons you taught me. Happy birthday. I love you infinity.

The Frugal Files: Giving Thanks Today!!

Happy Thanksgiving to you!!

Welcome to the Thanksgiving edition of The Frugal Files!! Last year around this time, we were talking Black Friday sales, but this time I’d like to focus more on what we have rather than what we want. It’s a lovely day outside and a glorious day to give thanks. Last week, we talked about  ((link)) and this week, I just wanted to share some ways to give thanks and share this time with those who truly matter. Great thing about it, is they are Frugalicious…as always.

Spend time with family, no matter the size. Also, family doesn’t mean just those related to you by blood. Share time and space with those that matter most to you and make it a happy day. Eat, play games, discuss the world and just enjoy each other’s company. Catch up on what’s going on in your lives. You never know what will come up; new business ideas, referrals, opportunities. We all get so busy on social media with people we don’t know, that we miss out on the expertise right in our own family.

Check on others. Because I have such a big family, I sometimes forget that it’s not the case for everyone. Holidays are times to share with people we love and care about. So if you have a friend that has no family in the area or a college student that didn’t go home, offer them a plate and an invitation to spend time with your family. Let’s make sure people aren’t lonely and alone during this holiday time. I am thankful and very proud that my family is large and that they are welcoming to newcomers. They won’t hesitate to throw someone in the food line and give them a hug. That goes for any family function, be it a holiday gathering or a game night. If they are family to one of us, they are family to all of us.

Visit extended family. You have a few days off right? Don’t spend it all at the mall. Why not call or take a ride to an aunt’s house you haven’t seen in a while. Do you have a family member in a nursing home? Go visit them and share a piece of pie and play a few rounds of checkers. This is the time to show people that even when you don’t see each other often, they are still thought about and loved. Use this gesture as a reminder to go and visit people more often. Let them tell you stories. One thing we don’t do as much as we used to is sit at the feet of our elders and listen to their wisdom. They’ve lived long enough to know something about life, so let’s get that knowledge and pass it on to the next generation.

Volunteer. I know I talked about this last week, but because people seem to have so much time off work and school, it’s the perfect time to lend a helping hand for a good cause. This is not only to say that volunteering should only be done around these holidays, but it’s a good start. Use it as a catapult to really make donating your time, a lifestyle change. Donate money, attend a fundraiser, help them raise funds and jump in and fill in the gap where they need help.

Give away items. In addition to giving out toys for tots, consider donating items from a shelter’s wish list. Organize a drive of some sort at your church or in your women’s group. Choose a local, national or international charity and set aside time and money to support it. It will do both the charity and your heart, good!!

No matter what you do today and during this time of relaxation, be sure to give thanks. You may not be where you want to be or have everything you want, but say a word of thanks to God for all that you do have. Enjoy and Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!!

Frugalicious Diva

Follow Me on Twitter at @FrugaliciousDva

The Frugal Files: Gratitude & Giving

Hey Frugal Folks!!

Welcome back to The Frugal Files!! In November, we celebrate Gratitude Month. We should be grateful all year, but it’s nice to have a month to truly focus on something that helps us to be better people. When we’re better, we give others around us permission to be better too. This month is a loving place that will hopefully remind us of all the great things life has to offer and has been offering all along.

This week we celebrated Veteran’s Day. Besides taking advantage of the sales, I hope you took the time to reflect on how our lives have been positively affected by those who fought for our freedoms? Did you thank a Veteran? Yes, Sunday and Monday were days specifically set aside to thank them, but feel free to show them some gratitude anytime, especially if they are in uniform. I guarantee that a “thank you” and smile will brighten a day, knowing that what they do and have done is appreciated.

How else can you show gratitude? Take a challenge to write down those things for which you are grateful, daily. Many of my online friends are blogging this month, chronicling their life through their grateful eyes. When you are grateful for the people and things you have in your life, you find that you are truly blessed. No matter what you've been through (because Lord knows, we've all been through something), you can find something that will make you smile; something to be grateful about.

I've also received emails about meditation challenges. Even though I haven’t been keeping up like I should, I’m currently taking part in Deepak Chopra's 21 Day Meditation Challenge. The focus of this series is creating abundance. How do you create abundance? By focusing on abundance and most importantly, gratitude. The more you’re grateful, the more abundance you create. Of course, our gratitude efforts wouldn't be complete without affirmations. I’ll share today’s, so we can reflect on it together.

“Today, and every day, I give what I want to receive.”

My last few months, really this whole year, hasn't been the happiest for me. Sometimes, it was downright depressing, but last month, I decided once and for all; I will set out to be a blessing for others. No matter how I’m feeling, I cannot ignore the fact that my life is extremely blessed, therefore I will bless others. In this journey, I have found so many more things I’m grateful for in my life. My prayer to God was not one of asking for myself, but of giving myself away, so He could use me to bless others. Here's a musical inspiration for you.

My biggest effort is to help those in need during this hurricane and holiday season. I know we’re all glad the election is over, but the tragedy of Hurricane Sandy, keeps us in a place of anguish. Let’s do something about it. I have several friends in the NYC area that were affected and it’s been my mission to send them items to help them rebuild. I got my church, my sorority and my couponing group involved; because TOGETHER, we can make a difference.

So, frugalicious divas and dons, gather your coupons, pack up your binders and find some sales that will allow you to put together care packages for those in need this season. If you’re not a couponer, be a friend and buy a Sunday newspaper for someone who is, so they can utilize those coupons. Find local charities and donate items that are on their wish list. If nothing else, volunteer your time. Serve holiday dinner or help prepare it. Help a local shelter make phone calls or organize their community closet.

If you want to help those affected by Sandy, consider assisting with the Far Rockaway areas. This is our Belle Noir writer Marcy’s area and she’s been wonderful at providing information to assist families who have lost everything or are still living without electricity. 

The Divas Making A Difference NY Chapter is looking for people to send the following items: 
- Toothbrushes
- Toothpaste
- Deodorant
- Q-tips
- Sanitary Napkins/ Pantiliners / Tampons
- Lotion
- Lip balm
- Facial cleaner
- Body soap/body wash
- Cleaning puffs/washcloths/ towels
- Shampoo
- Hair conditioner
- Perfume
- Body moisturizer
- Facial moisturizer
- Shaving supplies
- Hair accessories (bobby pins, hair ties...)

Send contributions to:
Tiffany Braxton
c/o Divas Making A Difference New York Chapter
PO Box 340317
Rochdale Village, New York 11434

Let's give during this time of gratitude!! Enjoy your week!!

Frugalicious Diva

Follow Me on Twitter at @FrugaliciousDva

Fearless Fridays: All It Takes is One Person to Start a Revolution

I am writing this week’s column with a heavy heart. As all of you know, Hurricane Sandy ripped into the NYC/NJ/CT area and caused havoc and destruction in its path. I know all too well as I live in the Rockaways, one of the hardest hit areas. 

The beach, before and after

The Rockaways is a small peninsula in Queens, where you have the beach and Atlantic Ocean on one side and Jamaica Bay on the other. We’re about an hour from Manhattan, near JFK airport and near Long Island. When the Rockaways are spoken off in a positive light in the media, it is usually about the affluent neighborhoods of Belle Harbor, Rockaway Beach and Breezy Point. However, the Rockaways is not just about those areas. It also has seven housing projects in areas with predominantly Black and Latino residents. The Arverne/Edgemere community consists of low income and middle-class good people who are just trying to live a decent life. In these areas, there are also houses and cooperative housing. But these sections are rarely featured unless there is a crime being committed or something negative. 

The beginning of Sandy

During Hurricane Sandy, I saw things I want to forget and know I never will. You may have heard about the devastation in the Breezy Point section of the Rockaways. While that was so terrible and the pain I feel for those residents is indescribable, the entire peninsula was affected.  My mom and I spent almost three days in complete darkness. No power, water and no phone service. No elevators. Many of us underestimated this storm and did not realize how bad it would be. In my neighborhood, there was looting and for days, we saw no help. No one knocked on our door to ask if we needed assistance. No FEMA or Red Cross vehicles to be seen. Bus service resumed Tuesday afternoon but was very limited. If you didn’t have a car, you didn’t have a way out. 

Flooding on B 54th St

When I finally got to listen to a radio on Wednesday morning, I realized how bad it was out there. And I felt trapped. Yes, we were fine. We live on the 3rd floor in a building and the water only rose up to the window sill of the 1st floor. We had some food and water. But to be off the grid, as I call it, and in the dark is a terrifying thing. I had no idea what was going on outside and we did not leave our house for that reason. We kept waiting for help and nothing. Finally, Wednesday morning, my neighbor told us she was heading further east into Far Rockaway to check on a friend. She said that if she found a working phone, she’d call my aunt and have her come get us. We were lucky. We got out. But many stayed behind, stuck with no where to go. They had no way to get to a shelter. It broke my heart and honestly, really made me angry. In the area known to the locals as the 40’s, it’s predominantly houses and most families there lost everything. In the 60’s area, same thing. You hear everyone say the same thing, “The water came in too fast and I just had to get out quick.”

I found myself becoming bitter. Being bitter is not in my nature and once I let these negative feelings in, they spread like a fast disease. That resentfulness and bitterness grew and on the ride to my aunt’s house, honestly, I wanted to scream. Instead of celebrating that we were evacuated and will now have power and running water, I was instead letting the bitterness eat away at my spirit and hold it hostage. To me, it just seemed as if many were just out for themselves. During our time in the dark, we offered assistance to a few neighbors and only one neighbor returned that favor. We had neighbors who had working vehicles and went out shopping a few times without even knocking on our door to see if we needed anything.  Towards Day 3, we were running low on water and getting nervous. That one neighbor, our angel, was always there. And when we left, we gave her everything else we had left. We asked her to come with us but she wanted to stay behind and help others.

The destroyed boardwalk

So as I ran these things over in my mind, it drove me crazy. But then I started to think of that neighbor who was so good to us. And it was as if a switch went off in my head. I always preach about turning a negative thing into a positive thing and how the words you think and speak affect you. Well, that bitterness was getting the best of me until I thought of my neighbor and all she did for us. Then I knew what I had to do. I had to pay it forward.

I had to stop being resentful of everyone else and be who I am. I had to help. Now I am someone who doesn’t drive so I don’t have a car. Mom and I lost all of our food minus what we gave away. We don’t have much money. But once I decided to help in any way I could, I became possessed with the desire to help, even though it seemed impossible. I felt I had to. It’s like that saying “Each one, teach one”. Someone has to be the first one to start helping. And even if it’s just a little, it will start a chain reaction.

I decided to use social media to spread the word on how there was no help in this area of the Rockaways and to keep others updated on the area as there was no way to communicate with loved ones. I asked for help; if anyone had any food to donate. I also asked if someone would drive me back there to give out food. One person answered my call for help. Her family and friends got together and donated food. We drove back to the neighborhood on Thursday and gave it to those in need. I checked on a few neighbors and loved ones of friends, who could not get in touch with them. I also saw that FEMA and the Red Cross had finally arrived. The water was turned back on in my building. Still, no power but a small victory nonetheless. 

Thursday night, I tried again, asking for help. I know there is a friend of mine who is stuck in her home with her husband and kids. I had no way of getting back out there to help her. While I felt limited, I still pushed through to keep people updated and notified via Facebook. And just when I felt like no one would answer my second call for help, on Friday, I heard from a childhood friend who said she wanted to organize relief efforts in the area. Then another friend messaged me, letting me know that he had an organization ready to donate 200 meals. I connected him with my friend organizing the relief efforts. I then got a message from a former co-worker who said that if she could find gas, she would be willing to pick me up and take me to check on my friend on Saturday.

The area still needs so much help. More than I can do. I did a little but refuse to take credit for anything great because I feel I did not do as much as I would have liked. But when I think of my part in the chain reaction that started, it makes me smile. It takes only one person to start a revolution, as my dad used to always say. And as I type this, the tears fall because I know he is looking down proud. God bless those who helped and continue to. God bless those who spoke up for our community. God bless those who helped in spreading the word. You are the true heroes in all of this. The rebuild has begun and we will get through it as a community no matter what. To all those affected by Sandy, remember, we are not victims. We are survivors and fighters. We will get through this and emerge better and stronger than before.

If you would like to help in any way, be it food, supplies or even to give a resident a ride somewhere or offer them a way to contact loved ones, please email me for more information at marcyc19@gmail.com. 

To donate to the Red Cross:  http://www.redcross.org/

Here is also the information for relief efforts put forth by my childhood friend Selena Aquasia: