Self-Love Sundays: Accept Me As I Am…NOW

Recently, I saw a question posted on Facebook asking if it was fair to tell someone to “Accept me as I am!” if you, yourself, were unhappy with your current state in life. This made me think about my last relationship and reflect on the whole acceptance thing. 

My last relationship was a complicated one. We had a lot in common and had many good times. BUT...he and I butted heads a lot because he was one of those men who never liked things “heavy”. He never liked to have deep conversations. So in order to keep things light, he would constantly joke around and be sarcastic to the point where he was offensive. And then his way of speaking sometimes made me feel like he was trying to tell me what to do and I did not take kindly to that. He said I was too “technical” and serious. That I was being too "sensitive". This was always when I wanted to discuss the state of our relationship and where we were going. So during one of our heated conversations over the phone, I said those 5 magic words to him: “Accept me as I am!” I then told him that this was me and if he didn’t like who I was, he could keep it moving. I felt like he was trying to change me and it offended me. Who was he to tell me about myself?

Many of us have said those 5 magic words to a significant other…heck, we’ve said it to friends and family. It’s something you tell someone who you love and care about and vice versa. But I think this request is often taken out of context. I think it’s perfectly fair to accept someone as they are at that very moment. However, to be the best person you want to be, you have to grow and evolve. You learn from your past mistakes and setbacks. If you don’t learn or let go, you won’t move forward. You won’t grow. So if you are in this stalled state of life and then expect someone to accept you as you are, it won’t work. A big part of any relationship (even friendships) is two people walking together on their individual paths. But if one person is not moving and the other is, the relationship won’t work.

The greatest lesson I have learned in my life is that I cannot change someone else. I can only change myself. Many of us try to control people and situations but in all reality, you can’t. You can only control YOU. You can’t control how the other person will react or treat you. But you can control how you react to their actions. You have the power to change you for the better. So my ex telling me to change this and that maybe I should be “this way” really pissed me off. Because I accepted him for who he was when we first got together. So imagine my surprise when later on into the relationship, when we started to have issues and I voiced my complaints, he threw those 5 magic words back at me. He told me that I knew who he was when we got together so he couldn’t understand why I was having issues with who he was.

While this is true, I’ll be honest and say that I didn’t expect him to stay the same for the rest of his life. I expected him to evolve and grow as well. I believed that there would be moments with us when things would get heavy and that’s okay. But he’s a stubborn man with his own issues and I had to come to terms with the fact that he has to change on his own. I can’t change him. I tried to make it work but me working on myself wasn't going to save our relationship. A relationship is a team effort. It was hard to walk away. It still hurts because I know he’s a good man and has a good heart. But his stubbornness and unwillingness to grow and evolve is what made me walk away.

Dating is not easy, period. That’s why it is so important to learn the lesson in every heartache and not let those heartaches stall your life. As I always say, acceptance is the foundation to everything in life. If you can accept things as they are, those things beyond your control…life would be so much easier to deal with. When we can accept that we are accountable for ourselves and not someone else, I think there will be more happy relationships out there. We will not waste our time trying to change someone else and instead focus on fixing ourselves. You can't make someone do what you want or treat you the way you want to be treated. At the end of the day, you can only control your own actions.

So when I tell someone to accept me as I am, I am telling them to accept me as I am NOW. I won’t be the same person in 5 years. But my goal and mindset is to always try to be a better person. No one is perfect but really, it is the core of someone that counts. If someone has a good heart and will do anything for you, who cares if they joke around sometimes? Over time, that will change (if the person wants to change) but the contents of that great heart will remain the same.

My heart still aches for my ex. I really wish we would have gotten it right. But as I said, I can’t force him to change. All I can do is move forward and keep evolving as I walk my path in life. That’s how you live your best life possible; by being honest with yourself, recognizing your flaws, working to better yourself and just being happy. When that’s your focus, anything is possible in life. And you are showing yourself so much love by living your best life possible. As the saying goes, “Be that person you want to meet”. And let’s not forget…Accept me as I am! ((NOW))  ::big cheesy smile::

Fearless Fridays: Dare To Be Different...Dare To Be YOU!

I have always been someone who dances to the beats of her own music. I know I am unlike no one else and I love that! Thing is, we are all unique in our own birthright. As I always say, there is only one you in this world and that’s pretty freaking amazing and powerful.  

It can be intimidating to try to be you in a world where you are not accepted or made to feel inadequate. I get that because it even happens in the plus size community. You would think that I would be accepted and not judged within my own community but I am because I am not what plus size is often shown to be in the media.  I am a size 26/28. According to the industry, I am too large to be a plus size model, too large to wear the clothing of many designers and too large to be someone prominent in the industry. 

Now if you have been reading my column for a while or know me outside of this, do you think I will let those opinions and assumptions stop me from still being me and putting myself out there? Oh, heck no!  I refuse to hide because of that. This is me. I may not fit the plus size model that is shown in the public eye but I am beautiful in my own right. I thrive on being different. Why would I want to be a carbon copy of someone else just to fit in?

I have no desire to be a plus size model. I’m clumsy and can’t really walk well in heels. But I still believe I can own a runway because despite whatever size I am, I work with what I have. As for those designers who don’t create clothing in my size, well, there are plenty of designers out there who do. For every negative, there’s a positive. It’s all about your way of thinking and how you handle the negatives that come along in life. You can either, break down doors and emerge, saying “I’m here!” Or you can watch life from the sidelines and never fully reach your own potential.

I feel like this, if you can’t accept me for me, then you don’t have to accept me at all. See how I flipped it? It’s all about how you look at things. If you’re looking at the situation as one you have to conform to, then you are giving that other person or group power over you and who you should be. In all actuality, you really should be thinking, if they can’t accept me for who I am, it’s their loss. I think that when someone dares to be different, it scares the crap out of cliques where the people within them are carbon copies of each other. 

Daring to be different means standing out of the crowd. It means not being afraid of being seen and not caring what others will say after they have seen you.  So you can either hide and let those other people control your life and how you live it. Or you can be seen and dare to be YOU, in all your unique and fabulous glory. Trust, when you do that, your shine is blinding and it will inspire others to want to do the same.

Embrace who you are and not what society wants you to be. Stop trying to be that person that you think you’re supposed to be and just be yourself. You are enough. Imperfections and all. No one is perfect. When you are suppressing who you really are, you are playing it safe. And life is too short to just get by. Life is meant to be lived to the fullest. It is meant to be full of adventures, lessons and great moments.

First of all, please stop comparing yourself to others. It’s so easy to compare ourselves to others when we don’t see our own greatness and envy someone else’s. We always think the grass is greener is on the other side. But when you compare yourself to someone else, you are setting yourself up for even more disappointment. No matter how hard you try, you can never be that person. You were created as you for a reason.

Please stop being so hard on yourself. We can be our own worst enemy. We constantly look at our flaws and berate ourselves for them. We get on these non-realistic journeys to change ourselves to fit a mold that we are told we should emulate. When we do this, we are saying to ourselves that we are not enough. Thing is, when you have this attitude, you will always feel you are not enough. You will never be happy until you give yourself a break, look in the mirror and say “I’m beautiful and I’m pretty amazing right now as who I am.” Instead of being hard on yourself, start admiring the things about you that you love. All of our quirks are things that are unique to us. And anything unique is awesome in my book. Because no one can take that away from you.

Just let go. We can’t control what others say and do. But we can control how we feel about ourselves and how we react to the criticism of others. It’s all about how you think and look at things. Once we accept and let go of the fact that we cannot control the situation, things become so much easier. You become more carefree and less fearful of being who you are.

The most important ways you can show your love for yourself is to be true to who you are, never compromise yourself for anyone, believe in yourself and love yourself unconditionally. Part of being fearless in life is daring to be different. Why would you want to be like everyone else? How boring is that? You’re here for a reason…your presence is not a mistake.  

While discussing my career and my future plans with a good friend two weeks ago, she told me:  “Just keep being you. Authenticity gets people places, trust me.” 

That’s the best advice I have gotten in a very long time. 

I Am Me

I am me. I am the oldest of 2, the only daughter and the first one in my family to graduate from college. I'm a book nerd and loved to hide out in the library when I was a kid, surrounded by books and great tales that provided me an escape from the horrible, judgmental world I lived in. I also loved to write. I could become anyone I wanted to be in my stories. I could be me and no one would criticize me or insult me. I could be accepted for me in that world. I loved music and played the flute from 7th grade and onward. I loved the escape that music also provided and how it would make my heart sing. I look back and now believe books, writing and music saved my life; it made me want a better life; it made me want to go to college and be a better person. I am me.

I am me. I spent my whole life being big and have only been skinny when I was a baby. I used to hide myself in my clothes by wearing a size bigger than I was and would never wear bold colors, white or prints. I used to get so sad when I could not find my size at the local store and not wear what my thinner sisters were wearing. I felt so unattractive because of the clothing limitations imposed on me because of my body. I owe my fashion re-birth to my dad, who one day, when I was 13, gave me a pair of his Levi's 501 jeans, which fit me perfectly. I was so happy, especially when he told me that I should never feel like I am different because of my size; that I just have to work with what I got. I took those jeans, let out the hem, frayed it and bedazzled them. I was given a do-over and a fashion superstar was born that day. I will no longer hide in my clothing and I cannot look back, only forward. I am me.

I am me. I have been called every name and insult out there, from fat bitch to whale. I have had guys reject me, telling me that they would only date me if I were to lose weight. I have also had guys who want to date me but in secret. I have had family members call me huge or tell me that I need to lose weight. I have had total strangers tell me that if I lose weight, I would be so beautiful. I was hurt for so many years, so angry at the world. I had to come to peace with the fact that while the world may feel a certain way, they do not dictate how I feel about myself. I am me.

I am me. I had people who did not want to be my friend because they didn't want to be seen with me. I had people who thought I was disgusting and because they never wanted to be like me, didn't want to be around me. I used to think I wasn't good enough. I used to feel like the odd one out. I thought no one understood me. I later found out that wasn't true. I had to accept me for me. I am beautiful. I am me.

I am me. I was told growing up that I was not dark enough to be considered Latina. I was told that I talked "white" because I used big fancy words when I spoke, acted like a "white" girl and that my white skin was not attractive. I was told how lucky I was that I could "pass" and would have a better life if I acted like I was not Latina. I was so lost for years, not knowing my identity and where I fit in. I had my epiphany moment one day when a woman came up to me at a bus stop in the Bronx and asked me in Spanish, what bus stopped there. I asked her, "How did you know I was Latina?" and she replied in a confused tone in spanish, "Because you look Latina." I realized that day that my skin color does not define who I am and where I came from. I am proud to be a "white" looking Latina. I embrace who I am. I am me.

I am me. I wake up every morning, thankful for another day, another do-over, and hopeful at the thought of a brand new day. I feel like the sky's the limit and I can do anything I set my mind to. I am comfortable in my big body and am in awe of my beauty from within. I know I have something to offer this world. I love me, even my flaws and imperfections. I am not perfect but I am happy with who I am. I didn't always feel this way but after everything I have been through on this journey, I am finally in a happy, accepting place. I am Marcy. I am me.

Who are you?

Image courtesy of notsalmon.com

Taking Care of YOU

It’s Day #5 of me giving up soda. When I tell people that I have given up soda, they assume I have done so to lose weight. Actually, that’s not why. I have a heart murmur and I noticed that when I drank soda heavily, it started making me have heart palpitations. I lost my dad six months ago because of a sudden heart attack so those palpitations scared me straight.

I miss soda but I love myself more and am not trying to go into cardiac arrest. It’s just not worth it. I just get annoyed when people assume it’s for diet reasons. Just because I am a big girl does not mean I am spending my waking moments dieting. I just want to live healthier. If I lose weight (which I know I will since my calorie intake will be less minus the soda), it will be an added bonus. But that is not my main focus here.

What I have learned in my life, as a big girl, is that before you can make any lasting permanent changes to yourself on the outside, you have to be happy with you from the start. I know it sounds like an oxymoron because if you’re happy with you, why would you want to change? But honestly, change is good for the soul and even when you are happy with you, you’re not perfect. There is always room for improvement and we are all works in progress. So I have the attitude that while I think I am fabulous, I know I can always better myself.

No one is born with confidence, just as no one sets out to be fat. Confidence is built over time just as weight is gained. Confidence and being big are not factors that easily go hand in hand. It takes hard work, being honest with yourself and truly coming to terms with who you are in the present moment. Easier said than done. But if you can learn to be comfortable in your own skin, life becomes such a different experience.

Sometimes we’re too hard on ourselves. We’re our own worst critics. We nitpick and scrutinize little flaws and we begin to loathe those parts of us. The thing is when you loathe yourself in any way, even if it’s a small part of you, no matter how much you change that part of you, you will always find something else to loathe. It is a vicious never-ending cycle. This is why so many of us yo-yo diet. We diet for the wrong reasons. Many times it’s for reasons that are not truly for our well-being. Until you can be comfortable in your skin as you are right this minute and make the decision to not diet but live a healthy lifestyle, you will continue to yo-yo diet.

Dieting is something all of us can relate to. We have all dieted at least once in our lives. My dieting history started at the age of 10. When the doctor told my parents that I was 20 pounds overweight for my height and age, I was shipped off to live with my aunt. My aunt promised that she would put me on a strict diet and I would be 20 pounds lighter in no time. That was when my yo-yo dieting began. I came home 20 pounds lighter but ended up gaining it all back.

As strange as it sounds, for me, dieting was not about vanity back then. I always knew of my beauty and never felt ugly. I really think that was because of my dad, who taught me so much in terms of being your own person and knowing your worth. That allowed my confidence to build. So I never truly hit rock bottom when it came to dieting or food. It was just that constant yo-yo because all I knew was that being fat was something I was not supposed to be.

There is a huge difference between dieting and living a healthy lifestyle. Dieting is something we do for immediate results but they are not lasting results. Can you really live on microwaveable dinners or shakes for the rest of your life? Let’s be honest here…no you can’t. Eventually, you will get hungry for some real food and will fall off the dieting wagon. That’s what got us into this yo-yo dieting mess in the first place.

A healthy lifestyle is not something that just thin people have. Big people can live healthy too. We are all not meant to be a size 2. We all come in different shapes and sizes. It’s all about being comfortable in your skin and then making a commitment to eat right and exercise…to make that a lifestyle and not just some temporary kick-start type of diet to lose weight quickly. Trust me, once you start your healthy lifestyle, the weight will come off. You might not become a size 2 nor will the weight come off overnight but I promise you, you will feel better about yourself.

My dad, the wonderful man he was, always told me that what counts is what’s in your heart. And your size does not define how big or great your heart is. But you also have to take care of that heart. We get so focused on changing our outer selves that we forget that we need to make sure our inner selves are healthy too. The first step is to look in the mirror right now and tell yourself “I love you”. If you can do that, you’re halfway there. If you can’t, it’s time to be real with yourself and start working on that. Because if you don’t love yourself, how are you going to be the best you can be inside and out?

Beautiful You Monday: Style File: Just As You Are

Greetings folks! Welcome to another edition of Beautiful You Monday here on Belle-Noir.com. For those of you who are new, Beautiful You Monday is where we discuss everything fashion, beauty & style!

Our Facebook fans & Twitter Followers might recall my speaking about being invited to the Plus Model Magazine Blogger Conference a few weeks ago. Held at the absolutely GORGEOUS Hudson Terrace, the event was to announce the launch of a new line of plus size outerwear, Just As You Are. This post is all about the fabulousness that is the Just As You Are Fall/Winter 2011 line.

Plus size ladies--particularly my ladies who are like me, sizes 24+, and live in cold weather states--can relate to this experience: you know the winter is coming and you begin the search for a winter coat that will survive the wind, rain, snow, and everything else winter can throw your way. Some might just be looking for something sleek and stylish they can wear with office wear. Others might be looking for something that will stand up to busy fall & winter weekends. What usually happens (at least in my past experience) is one of the following:

• I will find a coat that I absolutely adore, but it stops at a size 24 (often times, much smaller).
• I will find a coat that I absolutely adore, but while it comes in my size, the only color options are black, black, and did I mention black?
• I will find a coat that I absolutely adore, but it is so expensive that I find it hard to justify the purchase. Not to mention that the fit is just not quite right.

Ladies, Just As You Are has heard these, plus many more of the common complaints that we have as plus size women looking for stylish outerwear. What they have created is a line of outerwear that is completely about fitting your shape and helping you walk away with a coat that will "embrace your shape" make you look fabulous "just as you are".

First, there are no sizes when you shop with Just As You Are. Your perfect coat shopping experience starts with your measurements. By entering your chest, waist, hips and height into the measurements form, you will then be given the coats that are recommend as best for your shape! Browse the selections, fall in love with your new favorite coat, add it to your online shopping cart and viola! So simple, yet genius!

As I always say, we must support the designers who are designing clothing that is especially for us. What I also love about Just As You Are is that there is no mention of  a coat's "slimming qualities" or other phrases that assume that I am looking for something that is going to make me look smaller.

Here's a look at some of the coats from the collection that were debuted that night:



Accra wrap $159
Photo credit: LucasPictures.Net




Angola wrap $219
Photo credit: LucasPictures.net



Aurora jacket $249
Photo credit: LucasPicture.net



Aspen jacket $269
Photo credit: LucasPictures.net



Alabama jacket $169
Photo credit: LucasPictures.Net



Arizona jacket  $179
Photo credit: LucasPictures.net

What do you think ladies? Will you give Just As You Are a try? Be sure to check out the website and follow them on Facebook.

Special thanks to Madeline Figueroa-Jones, Editor-In-Chief of Plus Model Magazine, the Just As You Are team, and everyone else involved in making the Blogger Conference a great time.