Fearless Fridays: Worry Less, Accept More, Part 2

Last week, I talked about my experience of being delayed at Tampa International Airport and how my patience got me through the situation. As I wrote last week, my mantra in life going forward is to worry less, accept more. That outlook on life goes hand in hand with so many things we deal with on a daily basis. One of the biggest challenges many of us face come from others in our lives. 

One of the biggest lessons I have learned in life is that people will only disappoint you if you let them. If we accept people at face value, then there are no surprises. A person will always show you who they are. It is up to you to see their true selves. Many of us make excuses for others when they wrong us. But at the end of the day, we always have a choice. We can choose whether to deal with them or not. A big part of worrying less and accepting more comes from how we feel about ourselves. It always comes back to YOU. If you know your worth and are confident, you won’t worry about what others are doing. You will accept that everyone has their own path to walk and that things will fall into place, as they are meant to.

One of the most important lessons my dad ever taught me was the importance of confidence. He always told me that people will not take you seriously and will think that they can take advantage of you if they feel you are not confident in who you are. In his opinion, lack of confidence shows weakness and there are people out there who will use that to their benefit.  See? It’s like that saying, “If you can’t love yourself, how are you going to love someone else?” Or be loved back, for that matter. You don’t even know what love is if you don’t have it for yourself.

Having confidence means showing the world that you are proud to be you. It’s as if you are celebrating who you are. It’s a party wherever you go because you are happy to be you. When you know your worth and value to the world, you will settle for nothing.  You certainly won’t stand for mistreatment. You will not let people into your life who will bring you down.  When you’re confident, you make better decisions and stand by them. You’re not afraid to fail because you are confident to know that while this may not have worked out, it doesn’t mean giving up entirely.

Confidence is not an easy thing for some. We all have moments of low confidence. It happens. We’re all human. But my dad also told me that in moments of low confidence, you have to “fake it ‘til you make it”. Because how you carry yourself is how people see you. And that is what you will attract back into your life. Moments of low confidence do not mean you are not confident. It just means you’re having a moment. What matters is what you do next. You can pick yourself up and try again or you can give up. Again, it’s all up to you.

The little things like how you stand, how you walk and how you speak say a lot about who you are. Confident people stand up straight and are not afraid to look at someone in the eyes. They walk with their head up high and smile on their faces. They speak in a tone which commands attention and respect. When you speak low, almost to a whisper and can’t look someone in the eyes when speaking to them, that’s telling the other person that you don’t believe in what you’re expressing. That other person is not going to be affected by anything you’ve said.

Improve your body language and you will improve your relationships and life. And even when you are not feeling as confident as usual, still play the part. Stand straight, head high and keep it moving. I always call it my runway walk. Even when I am feeling lousy, once I start doing my runway walk, it makes me feel better and it reminds me of my greatness.

Always remember that there is only one you in the world. There is no one else like you. Think of how powerful that is. You are you. And you were made this way for a reason. No one is going to love you as much as you love yourself. No one can validate you as much as you validate yourself. So stop worrying about what others think or say. Accept that they feel that way but that, that is not who you are. You are beautiful, smart, talented, caring and you are just YOU. 

Fearless Fridays: Choosing To Be Who You Really Are

Me striking a pose with my aunt

I recently had an A-ha moment, as Oprah calls it. I was talking to someone recently about my life and how far we have come to this point. I then described my journey in decades. I spoke so passionately about how as a child, in the first decade of my life, I was so carefree and fearless. I was a happy kid who loved the color red, was always dancing around the house and posed for all my pics with my hand on my hip, doing my runway pose. My teens were about me being different and reveling in that. My 20’s were about me going through that transition from teen to adult, going to college and learning to be independent.

My 30’s were about being on my own, having a career and learning a lot about men and romance. I was a late bloomer when it came to dating. I dated the same guy while in my 20’s and he was my high school sweetheart. So it wasn’t until in my 30’s, that I got to date different men and see what’s out here. My 30’s were all about discovering life as an adult and seeing the world. I traveled and basically had the time of my life. Now, I’m in my early 40’s. This decade so far has been about growth and being focused on what I want to do with the rest of my life. I never got married and had children. It’s me being that late bloomer again. I feel like I blinked and now I am in this place where I want to get my focus back and get serious about what I want to do with my life.

Ah, my 30's

But it’s more than that. I want to be truly happy with me. I want to make better choices in my life. Because like I always say, we have a choice. And that’s a pretty powerful thing. But sometimes, we give that power away and forget that we have a choice. We don’t have to be friends with people who don’t accept us for who we are. We can choose who we want in our world. We don’t have to let some stranger's negative comment hurt us. Again, we have a choice: will we let some stranger ruin our day or will we keep it moving and choose to be happy? We don't have to be in a relationship with someone who does not treat us well or make us happy. We can choose whether we want to be with them or not. Now making those choices are not easy but the payoff is your happiness. It was in that moment of reminder that made me realize that something was missing in my life: The core of who I really am. I truly lost myself for a bit.

When I talk about the core of who I am, I am talking about that Me that I was when I was a child, the first decade of my journey. The person I described above. I had so much sass and personality back then. I  truly did not care what anyone thought of me. In my mind, there was always a spotlight on me and I acted as such. I was fabulous and amazing. I was fearless and untainted by the world. All of us have been that child. Even if you were not outgoing as a kid or if you were shy, as children, we have this carefree, fearless nature about us where we live life looking forward to what comes and are not afraid to be ourselves. We dance like we are alone on the dancefloor and without a care in the world.

My inner child

But of course, we never stay that way. We experience setbacks and disappointments. We meet people who tear us down. We change according to what happens to us along our journey. However, the core of who we are is always there. But these situations and people suppress the core of who we are. We start to care what people think. We become less fearless and more cautious. We tend to not be as carefree and instead, worry more.  We lose ourselves by trying to fit in. We give our power away at times when we are letting others dictate who we should be.

I then realized that I want to be that person again. I want to stop worrying about what others think of me. I want to be more fearless and take bigger chances. I want to be myself and not care what others think. I just want to live life without a care in the world. I want to live as if every day is my last day on this earth. But is that possible? I mean, I am not a child anymore. And life is very different than it was when I was a child. The answer to that is YES. I can be that person again. I CHOOSE to be that person again.

I think it’s all about finding balance in your life. Taking what you have learned so far on your journey and merging that with the core of who you are. We will always have those moments when we doubt ourselves. But if we can remind ourselves that fear will get us nowhere and life would be so much better if we were true to ourselves, we can channel that inner child within. That child-like way of dealing with life can help us get through the tough times. It can help us take our power back and be ourselves no matter what the world thinks.

With the new year almost here, I want to do things that make me happy, even if others think I’m nuts or have an opinion on it. I want to channel that inner child and dance through the streets like no one is watching. I want to feel free. Once I made that decision, I felt so powerful. Channeling your inner child is taking your power back. It’s making a pact with yourself to be you with no hesitation. And that’s such a wonderful thing. 

So while I believe that my 40’s are going to continue to be all about growth and direction, it is also going to be about me being myself in a world where there is no one else like me and I’m going to celebrate that right into my 50’s. I am already dancing and thinking about adding some more red to my wardrobe. My spotlight is back on so I have to make sure I look and feel fabulous.

Fearless Fridays: Are You Living or Existing?

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.  ~Judy Garland

A friend of mine posted an interesting question on her Facebook page the other day, which caught my attention. It was simply: Are you living or existing?

Talk about powerful! Often, we are just existing and don’t even realize it. It’s easy to put your life on auto-pilot when you’re comfortable in your everyday routine. But being comfortable doesn’t always equal happiness. Remember that you determine your life’s story. You make decisions along your journey that will take you on a certain path. Getting used to a familiar and comfortable routine in your life is essentially just getting by. You’re not being your best self by just getting by.

See, in life, it is not enough to just get by and be comfortable all the time. Life has so much more to offer than that, if you choose to take a chance and seize those opportunities. You are here for a reason and it is not just to exist. I know life can be hard, believe me. We are faced with setbacks and disappointments on a daily basis. However, pushing through those dark times are big wins. And learning the lesson from those moments is the ultimate victory because it will help you to be one step closer to being your best self. 

But when you let those dark moments keep you from living, you are just giving up and existing. That is no way to live life, especially since you only have one life to live. Your mindset is very important in being your best self. Your thoughts shape your actions and your life. Positive thinking can do a long way. It won’t eliminate all of your problems but it will help you to deal with them in better way. And it will help you to let go and move on.

Life is meant to be that story where there are more happy moments than sad. It is meant to be a great story where we realize our potential and pursue our dreams. Life is what you make it to be. So think about it, if you decide to make your life wonderful, think of how much you can do with your life. Honestly, all it takes is accepting responsibility for what you are doing in your life and making the decision to not just get by anymore. Why settle for mediocrity when you have dreams in your heart, which when pursued and attained, will turn your life into something awesome?

First things first, you have to be honest with yourself and see yourself for who you are, flaws and all. No one is perfect so stop criticizing yourself and second guessing yourself. Instead, think about how you can change what you are not happy with. For example, want to change jobs? Then make the decision to revamp your resume and start looking for opportunities out there. Make a list of things you’d like to change and then make decisions on how you can make your changes happen.

Second, you have to accept yourself, all of yourself. Love yourself, flaws and all. Accept that while you may not be a rocket scientist, you are meant for something great in your life. You won’t find your true calling unless you accept you for who you are and honestly, do some soul searching on where your strengths lie and how you can align those strengths with your dreams.

Third, you must change your mindset. It’s like I said above, your thoughts are such an important part of being your best self. You can either be the president of your own fan club or your own worst enemy. It’s your choice. Once you change your mindset, you are looking at your life with a new set of eyes. And once you change your mindset, you are actually allowing yourself to open your mind to the possibilities out there.

Lastly, you have to put yourself out there in the world and simply live your life to the fullest. It’s all about action. Once you take action in your life to be your best self, great things will start to happen. The right people will come into your life. The right opportunities will come into your life.

So don’t wait until tomorrow to make a change. Make the decision to change TODAY. You owe it to yourself to be the best you that you can be. Don’t talk about it, be about it! It’s like the saying goes, “Be that person you want to meet.”  By changing yourself for the better, you are changing your world for the better. Don't just exist. Live!

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. ~Steve Jobs

Fearless Fridays: Knowing Your Worth

 You are very powerful, provided you know how powerful you are. ~Yogi Bhajan

I was chatting with a friend on Facebook last night and we started talking about being single. The topic of knowing your worth came up and it instantly took me back to when I was a little girl.  I remember my dad always holding my face, looking into my eyes and telling me how beautiful I was, how smart I was and how I was destined to be something great in this world. He would then end that motivational mini speech with this: “Never lose sight of your worth. That will take you places because you will never settle for mediocrity.”

Wow, powerful words. That was my dad. He was always schooling me on something. And I always listened. 

When people talk of knowing your worth, it’s usually directed towards just dating, like my conversation with my friend. While knowing your worth is imperative in dating, knowing your worth is something imperative in your life period. This is something I learned early on by my dad’s words. We live in a tough, harsh world. Some might say it’s almost like a “survival of the fittest” environment. And the first armor you can create to protect yourself in this world is to know your worth.

Knowing your worth means you will never settle for any mistreatment from anyone; you will know when it’s time to move on.  Knowing your worth means you will never give up until you accomplish what you desire because you believe in yourself. So many things grow from that base of knowing your worth. Your self-love grows, your self-respect grows, your determination grows and most importantly, your persistence and patience grows. Knowing your worth means knowing your value and knowing that you are worthy of having a great relationship, a career you love, being surrounded by people who love and appreciate you and shoot, even worthy of a great outfit and shoes to match!

Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world ~ Lucille Ball

Artwork by Rita Loyd © 2013 
http://www.NurturingArt.com

Self-worth and self-esteem go hand in hand. If you don’t think highly of yourself, you will not know what your true worth is. No one will love you like you love yourself. So many of us seek validation from others or compare ourselves to others, which just sets us up to loath ourselves because we will never be like that other person. Honestly, why would you want to be someone else when there’s only one you in the world? Knowing your worth means knowing that you are unique and different and that’s a very powerful thing. No one can ever take that away from you.

The first step in loving yourself and knowing your worth is accepting you for you, flaws and all. No one is perfect in this world. Even when someone appears perfect, they are not. Their imperfections may not be visible to the eye but they exist. When you see the world for its imperfections and the beauty within those imperfections, you will look at life with a new set of eyes. Your flaws are your flaws. But how you look at them is what they will mean to you. Your flaws are what you make them to be. If you focus solely on your flaws and ignore the great things about you, you will never know how amazing you truly are. Our flaws are only a fraction of who we are. We’re the ones who have the power to either put the spotlight on our flaws and dwell on them OR accept our flaws for what they are and focus on the rest of ourselves that is fabulous, unique and wonderful.  

It’s not easy and won’t happen in a day. But if you work at it, it gets easier each day. Despite my dad constantly speaking greatness into my life, I am human and had my own moments of uncertainty. For me, I always felt like I never belonged.  A lot of it had to do with being the lone big girl in my circles and feeling “almost” beautiful.  People would always tell me that if I lost weight, I’d be beautiful. Or if I lost weight, I could do this or that. It was as if my weight determined my worth and my standing in the world.  When I looked in the mirror, I saw a beautiful person but it was hard to shut those other voices out of my head, telling me I was not beautiful. It used to bug me how much worth people put on outer beauty. Frankly, it really screwed my head up when it came to how I looked at outer beauty. So I would wonder what was wrong with me and compare myself to others.

It took some time and the Universe placing people in my path who offered wisdom along the way, for me to see that I was beautiful, inside and out. Once I saw that, I knew my worth and knew that my beauty did not determine my worth. Once I knew my worth, my life changed dramatically because I did not settle for mediocrity. Daddy was right. When you know your worth, you never settle for anything less than what you deserve and want. You won't give yourself away and let people use you and mistreat you. You won't loath and mistreat yourself. 

Knowing your worth is about being true to who you are and knowing that no matter what you have done in the past or what people think of you, you are an incredible, amazing being and you're worth more than gold, diamonds and all the money in the world. When you hold yourself in this high regard, anything is possible. The sky's the limit! And no one can change that unless you let them.  Knowing your worth is the answer to letting great things come into your life, letting love find you and living your life to its highest potential.

I can close my eyes and remember how my dad looked at me when I graduated from college (I was the first one in my family to graduate from college). He looked at me so proudly and said, "I knew you could do it. And you knew it, too."  Yes, Daddy, I know my worth...thank you for seeing it before I did. Your legacy lives on.

Fearless Fridays: Journaling is Good For The Soul

Writing has always been a form of escape for me. I began to journal when I was 10. It was a traumatic year for me. I went to live with a relative for a year so I was in a new school, a new home. And it was not a great experience for me at all. For reasons I won't divulge here, it was one of the worst years of my life that defined and shaped who I am today. Being able to write and journal my feelings helped me get through it all. Journaling helped me while I was in a dark space in my life. It gave me strength. My journal became my best friend; my lifeline.

As the years progressed, my journaling continued. It made me feel better to put my feelings down on paper. It was as if I was purging myself and leaving all the crap behind in my journal. Even today, my journaling is one of the things that I rely on in order to heal my spirit when needed. But it has become more than that. A journal wasn't just a place to record my negative moments. It also became a space to celebrate the good stuff, too. I have times where I go back and read past entries. It shows me how far I have come in my life. It helps me to reflect and let go.

Journaling is essentially telling your story. Everyone's story has its good and bad moments. But it is YOUR story; YOUR life. Journaling is therapeutic. It's never good to keep things bottled up. And if you have no one to talk to and vent to...well, you have your journal where you can write as much as you want and say whatever you want. Your journal is your space to do what you see fit.

There is no standard way to journal. A friend of mine journals by writing poetry. I have another friend who does video entries. Some people have private blogs online where they journal. Or you can do it the old-fashioned way like I do and journal in a notebook. You choose how you want to journal. It's all about telling your story in the way you want to tell it. Since you are creating your own space, you have the freedom to set it up however you want. That freedom is a powerful feeling. It makes you feel free enough to let go of the emotional baggage because you are releasing those feelings into your journal.  An essential part of life is letting go. If you can't let go, you can't move further on your journey. So a journal is the perfect companion for you while on your journey.

A journal can also aid as a guidebook to you during your journey. Old journal entries can work wonders on keeping you in check, let me tell you. By reading past entries, you can rediscover the things you need to do in your life to make changes for the better.  And you can also see how you once were and see how far you have come. You certainly don't want to go backwards in life, only forward.  Through your journal, your past self can check your present self and make sure you don't make the same mistakes or react the same way to a situation.

It’s just something about having a notebook to write anything I want in it, that makes me feel calm and safe.  The best thing about a journal? You don’t need to be a writer to journal. Just write how you feel and let it flow. You will be amazed at what will come out and how great you will feel after.

Journaling is good for the soul. This I know. I can't imagine where I'd be today if I couldn't write my feelings and experiences out on paper. Journaling has helped me to be more open in life. It has provided me with a way to see myself as I really am and realize that I am okay. I am normal. I am enough. It helps me to make my voice heard. When there are times when I feel like I can't say something to someone or about something out loud, I know that I have my journal. I can write it all out and leave it there. 

So if you're feeling like you're carrying too much weight on your heart and soul, you need to release that immediately. All you need is a piece of paper and a pen...or even just a laptop or a cell phone. Just find a way to write it out and let go. Trust me, you will feel better and life will be better. Life is short, unexpected and never guaranteed. All we have are the moments. So tell your story today, let go and let it be.

Fearless Fridays: Ignorance is Bliss

I am so hooked right now on the new television show The New Normal on NBC. This week's episode really hit home for me because it was all about dealing with ignorant people in the world. Someone somewhere will always have something to say. I know that fact very well from being a plus size woman in this world. When you're different and don't fit someone's idea of what is standard or "normal", it makes them uncomfortable and we end up being the brunt of their backlash and ignorance.

After spending many years, being so angry about it, I realized that I cannot fight the world. So I trained myself to ignore it. It took years for me to get to a place where I learned how to be oblivious to the stares and comments. The saying "Ignorance is bliss" is so true. And that's the kind of ignorance I want to deal with  - the blissful kind. 

Sometimes it's better not to know everything. I used to be so observant about everything around me and frankly, it drove me nuts. To know that people were staring…to hear what people were saying…it really made me paranoid and defensive. I always thought once I stepped out the house, it was not safe. So I would immediately put up a wall of protection and be ready to go to “war”. Whenever I’d go out, I’d always have words with at least one person or flip off someone with my middle finger. It never failed. I’d go home, feeling drained and defeated because if this was my fate, how was I supposed to be 100% happy? I was spending too much time, fighting the world.

However, acceptance is everything. It is certainly not easy but it is necessary in order to live a happy life. Once you accept that you can’t make everyone happy and that what’s most important is your own happiness, it makes dealing with ignorant people so much better. I also learned that if you looked at the reasoning behind someone’s words and understand where they are coming from, it makes it easier to not let it affect you. Just know, at the end of the day, you’re not the problem. They are. You are entitled to be who you are and live in this world just like anyone else, no matter what anyone thinks.

One of the characters on The New Normal said something during this week’s episode that really resonated with me. He told his partner that instead of dwelling on the losses, we should celebrate the wins. What a great way to look at things! For every ignorant person out there, there is someone who supports and celebrates people who are different. There are people out there who do not judge someone on their size, race, gender or sexual preference.

I think, while we do still live in a world where ignorance and hate still reside towards big people, it is not the majority way of thought as it once was. I feel a shift coming. Women are becoming more comfortable with their curves and accepting that not everyone is meant to be a size 0. The “Health at Every Size” movement is growing. Plus-size fashion is becoming a big business. Rome wasn’t built in a day and the world can’t change overnight. But one day at a time, we should celebrate the wins.

If we better ourselves by loving ourselves and owning who we are, we are helping in making the world change. When we show those ignorant people that no matter what they say, we’re still going to go out and live our lives to the fullest, this proves to them that their words have no power. When words have no power, they lose all credibility. By not being afraid to be who we are without shame, we are also inspiring our fellow plus size sisters to be happy and own who they are as well.

Me in Paris - 2010

This week, I lost a friend because she made a negative statement on her Facebook page about traveling with big people. I was shocked because I considered her a friend and was very hurt by her comment. I was even more hurt by her reaction when I said something about it. She was so defensive and accused me of being sensitive. She then said that since it was her page, she can say whatever she wants to say and not be censored. While that is true, still…what happened to being considerate of others? If you are my friend but have negative feelings about “big people”, then what does that say about how you feel about me? That means she and I would never travel with each other, which in my opinion, is her loss since I have been all around the world AT MY SIZE and have had a blast doing so.

It takes special people to be my friend. I know this. But that just makes me appreciate them even more. When I say “special”, I mean that they have to be considerate, loving, caring and non-judgmental. They have to love me unconditionally and see past my size. They have to not be afraid to be seen with me and not care what the world thinks. Yes, those are special people. So she was not one of the special ones and I severed the friendship.

I also learned that while I do ignore the comments and stares most of the time, it’s okay to say how you feel if someone offends you, especially if it is someone who is a part of your life. Part of changing the world is changing who you let into your world.  Having someone toxic in your life is only going to hinder you on your self-love journey. We deal with enough ignorance from strangers so why should we have to tolerate it within our own circles? I always say, if you’re not down for me 100%, then you’re not really my friend. A real friend won’t smile up in your face and then the next minute, talk negatively about being fat and etc. If you have an issue with your own self-image and don't love yourself, it is not my fault that I, on the other hand, can love myself at the size that I am. I don’t tolerate or allow that foolery into my life.  If that makes me sensitive, then so be it. I own that. I have a right to be that way. If you haven’t walked in my shoes, you have no idea.

So I am on my own journey to finding that balance between blissful ignorance and speaking up when necessary. I pick and choose my battles very carefully. Now I do have my moments when my middle finger has a mind of its own. But I am a work of progress. What counts is that I refuse to limit my life because of what others may think of me. As I always say, you only have one life to live, so why not live it to its fullest? Who knows? I may inspire someone to do the same. All it takes is one person to start a revolution.

Fearless Fridays: Dare To Be Different...Dare To Be YOU!

I have always been someone who dances to the beats of her own music. I know I am unlike no one else and I love that! Thing is, we are all unique in our own birthright. As I always say, there is only one you in this world and that’s pretty freaking amazing and powerful.  

It can be intimidating to try to be you in a world where you are not accepted or made to feel inadequate. I get that because it even happens in the plus size community. You would think that I would be accepted and not judged within my own community but I am because I am not what plus size is often shown to be in the media.  I am a size 26/28. According to the industry, I am too large to be a plus size model, too large to wear the clothing of many designers and too large to be someone prominent in the industry. 

Now if you have been reading my column for a while or know me outside of this, do you think I will let those opinions and assumptions stop me from still being me and putting myself out there? Oh, heck no!  I refuse to hide because of that. This is me. I may not fit the plus size model that is shown in the public eye but I am beautiful in my own right. I thrive on being different. Why would I want to be a carbon copy of someone else just to fit in?

I have no desire to be a plus size model. I’m clumsy and can’t really walk well in heels. But I still believe I can own a runway because despite whatever size I am, I work with what I have. As for those designers who don’t create clothing in my size, well, there are plenty of designers out there who do. For every negative, there’s a positive. It’s all about your way of thinking and how you handle the negatives that come along in life. You can either, break down doors and emerge, saying “I’m here!” Or you can watch life from the sidelines and never fully reach your own potential.

I feel like this, if you can’t accept me for me, then you don’t have to accept me at all. See how I flipped it? It’s all about how you look at things. If you’re looking at the situation as one you have to conform to, then you are giving that other person or group power over you and who you should be. In all actuality, you really should be thinking, if they can’t accept me for who I am, it’s their loss. I think that when someone dares to be different, it scares the crap out of cliques where the people within them are carbon copies of each other. 

Daring to be different means standing out of the crowd. It means not being afraid of being seen and not caring what others will say after they have seen you.  So you can either hide and let those other people control your life and how you live it. Or you can be seen and dare to be YOU, in all your unique and fabulous glory. Trust, when you do that, your shine is blinding and it will inspire others to want to do the same.

Embrace who you are and not what society wants you to be. Stop trying to be that person that you think you’re supposed to be and just be yourself. You are enough. Imperfections and all. No one is perfect. When you are suppressing who you really are, you are playing it safe. And life is too short to just get by. Life is meant to be lived to the fullest. It is meant to be full of adventures, lessons and great moments.

First of all, please stop comparing yourself to others. It’s so easy to compare ourselves to others when we don’t see our own greatness and envy someone else’s. We always think the grass is greener is on the other side. But when you compare yourself to someone else, you are setting yourself up for even more disappointment. No matter how hard you try, you can never be that person. You were created as you for a reason.

Please stop being so hard on yourself. We can be our own worst enemy. We constantly look at our flaws and berate ourselves for them. We get on these non-realistic journeys to change ourselves to fit a mold that we are told we should emulate. When we do this, we are saying to ourselves that we are not enough. Thing is, when you have this attitude, you will always feel you are not enough. You will never be happy until you give yourself a break, look in the mirror and say “I’m beautiful and I’m pretty amazing right now as who I am.” Instead of being hard on yourself, start admiring the things about you that you love. All of our quirks are things that are unique to us. And anything unique is awesome in my book. Because no one can take that away from you.

Just let go. We can’t control what others say and do. But we can control how we feel about ourselves and how we react to the criticism of others. It’s all about how you think and look at things. Once we accept and let go of the fact that we cannot control the situation, things become so much easier. You become more carefree and less fearful of being who you are.

The most important ways you can show your love for yourself is to be true to who you are, never compromise yourself for anyone, believe in yourself and love yourself unconditionally. Part of being fearless in life is daring to be different. Why would you want to be like everyone else? How boring is that? You’re here for a reason…your presence is not a mistake.  

While discussing my career and my future plans with a good friend two weeks ago, she told me:  “Just keep being you. Authenticity gets people places, trust me.” 

That’s the best advice I have gotten in a very long time. 

Fearless Fridays: Facing Your Fears

"Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live." ~ Dorothy Thompson

My journey got a swift kick in the butt four years ago when I was laid off from my job and dumped by my boyfriend in the same week. To top it off, my now ex-boyfriend had actually left me for someone else. My world had been turned upside down all at once.  I worked at the same job for seven years so it was definitely a shocker to suddenly be let go. I came into work at 8:30am. By 11am, my boss called me and said her boss wanted to meet with me. By 12n, I was being escorted out of the building, unemployed and stunned. I had no idea my day would turn out that way.  I didn’t know it then but that was the Universe’s way of basically kicking me out of my comfort zone so I can proceed on my journey.

We all go through moments in our lives where we become comfortable and unintentionally end up “stuck” in our current state. However, life is not meant to be spent in one place. Our journey is all about progressing and moving along. Our personal evolutions cannot happen unless we continue to move along in life. The Universe/God will always nudge you along your journey and throw opportunities your way that are meant to help you get to where you’re supposed to be. But this is where our free will comes into play.  It’s like what my dad used to always say: “You can lead someone to the pool but it is up to them to decide if they want to jump in or not.”

Despite those great opportunities in our path, we ultimately choose which road to travel. These opportunities look very good to us and we may feel that twinge in our heart that tells us it is the right opportunity for us. But… something holds us back from seizing that opportunity. We choose to instead stay where we are, where we are comfortable. Almost always, the reason why we stay in our comfort zone is because of fear.

Fear is definitely a roadblock on anyone’s journey.  Don’t get me wrong; fear is normal to experience.  We all have our moments of fear at times in our lives. However, in order to be successful in life, we have to learn to face our fears and push through that roadblock on our path. Or else, you will never realize your full potential.

When we let fear block us from fully experiencing life, we then start to use the following words regularly, which I call the “trilogy of regret”: would of, could of, and should of. You’ll look back at your life and ask yourself something like, “What WOULD OF happened had I taken that job promotion?” Or, “What COULD OF happened if I had spoken up and expressed my ideas?” The worst is “should of”. You then realize that you SHOULD OF made a different choice because you now know after the fact that the outcome would have been in your favor. Making a choice outside of your comfort zone is taking a chance. And taking a chance in life is a fearless move.

As my daily mantra goes, you only get one shot at your life, so why not take a chance? What do you have to lose? To take a chance is to be bold and daring. And that is such an empowering feeling that will make you forget that roadblock called fear. I didn’t always see things this way. I used to be the person who started something but then didn’t finish. I was afraid of the outcome because I could not control it. I grew comfortable in where I was in my journey because me being comfortable made me feel like I was in control. The funny thing about life is that even when you grow comfortable in your life, you are never fully in control. The Universe/God is not having that. Situations will be thrown at you that will shake up your life, just as it happened to me four years ago.

Your life is shaken up so you can see that you have stayed still for too long. And that you are destined for bigger and better things. For me, in looking back, I see that I was in that job longer than I should have been. My journey had halted. I also was with someone that I didn’t belong with but stayed with him because it was comfortable. Sometimes if you can’t walk away and let go on your own, the Universe/God forces you out of that situation. And you are given another opportunity to resume your journey. Some doors close for a reason. Let them.

I learned that it’s not about what goes wrong in your life because there will always be disappointments, setbacks and letdowns. It’s about how you deal with them. When you face your fears and push through the dark times…when you opt to not be comfortable and stand still…you can do anything you set your mind to. Facing your fears means living your dreams. It means enjoying the ride. Your journey will be full of ups and downs but when you confront your fears, you can deal with the ride, appreciate it and learn from it. 

I am still a work in progress but I face my fears one day at a time. It’s not easy but I believe in myself and my limitless capabilities in this life. I am now pursuing my love for writing, teaching and just doing what makes me happy. This is how my blog Fearlessly Just Me was born. This is how Fearless Fridays on this site was born. Every week, I get to write about my journey, what I have learned and hopefully, inspire at least one person. I am proof that if I can do it, you can, too. 

I’m not going to keep myself in a box. I am going to be me and that is a wonderful thing. The world is out there for me to explore and even though at times, it scares the crap out of me, I then remind myself that I can do anything I set my mind to because I believe in myself.

Don’t let fear limit you and what you can do in your life. Stay believing in you and tackle each fear, one day at a time.

Need more inspiration on being fearless? Please check out my feature story on the Catherines I Am website: Becoming Fearless One Day at a Time.

Fearless Fridays: Celebrate you!

So my birthday is this Sunday and I admit I always make a big deal out of it. Growing up, my parents always treated birthdays as an important day. To them, birthdays are your day to celebrate you.  Every year my parents would ask me what I wanted to do and I loved that I was given a choice. Again, that was them reinforcing that it was MY day so it was to be spent doing what I wanted to do. Within reason, of course, lol.

Even now, as I turn 42, I still feel just as excited about my birthday as I did when I was a kid and still desire to celebrate it to the fullest. However, in the last few years, I have not had good birthdays. Last year was especially hard with my dad no longer here.  I was determined to make this birthday better than the last. However, nothing was going right. I have always wanted to have a party, with all of my favorite people in the same room with me.  I’ve never been that person that people plan parties or bar/lounge get-togethers for. Many of my friends live far away or their schedules don’t allow them to be able to attend. So I attempted to organize a party but it just didn’t work out. Then I tried to make plans to go out and things were just not working out in my favor.  Then in talking to my mom, I find out that my family is not even cutting a cake for me. I was so sad, to say the least.

As I am sitting there, almost in tears, I get a call from a friend, who said the most profound thing to me when I told her about everything that was going on. She said “Whatever you decide to do on your birthday, make sure you enjoy yourself to the fullest and do what makes you happy.” This made me think, wow, why am I worrying about other people and what they can do for me? It is my responsibility to celebrate my day, my life. I was so caught up in my expectations of others that I was missing the big picture and could possibly ruin my own birthday, having a major pity party.

My life is not just about one day. My life is my story, my everyday while I am alive. My birthday should be a day of celebration and remembering the past year and looking forward to the year ahead. But the days after my birthday, I should celebrate as well. Because my life is worth celebrating. Everyone’s life is worth celebrating. Yes, even the bad moments. All of the disappointments and setbacks have strengthened you and made you a better person. You might have thought at the time that you would not make it through but you did. And how far you have come in your life is worth celebrating.

My birthday is a day to bring attention to all of the celebrations I hold daily in my life. It is a reminder that there is only one me in the world and no one can take that away from me. It is the day my story began. And as every birthday passes, my story evolves. Your journey is worth endless celebrations. Think about it…if you spend more time celebrating your life instead of being upset and wallowing in self-pity over things that did not work out, you will be much happier and life will be better. It’s all a state of mind.

Once I changed my state of mind regarding my upcoming birthday, surprisingly things started to change for the better. After I told my mom that I was going out of town for the weekend, she admitted that the family was going to surprise me with a cake on Saturday. A great friend of mine called me and invited me out on Sunday to lunch and a movie. I then plan to have dinner Sunday night with one of my favorite people, my mother. Now this may not seem like exciting things to do on a birthday but I’m taking my friend’s advice and doing what makes me happy. Celebrating your birthday does not have to be some big party or some get-together at a restaurant. As long as you’re happy and enjoying your day to the fullest, that is what counts. With my mom still alive, I am celebrating that every day that she’s here.

Your birthday or your life, for that matter, may not be what you expected or wanted it to be, RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT. But it is still your life and your birthday only comes around once a year. You either have to seize the moment or it will pass you by. I am learning to let go and go with the flow. And celebrate my life for what it is now. That doesn’t mean I am giving up or settling. It just means I am appreciating my current life and it can only get better. As the great Oprah once said,  “The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate." True words, indeed.

Fearless Fridays: Honor The Life That You’ve Lived

So it’s my birthday month! My actual birthday is August 19 but I celebrate the whole month. I believe birthdays are so important because it’s your day to celebrate the day you came into this world. There’s only one amazing you in this world so I believe a celebration is in order, just for that very reason.

Every year around this time, I reflect on the past year. As I have written many times before, this past year was not a great one because my dad passed away last year. Today is actually 16 months to the day since he died. It’s been tough but the reality of life is that we don’t live forever. And no matter how much his absence hurts me, I am still here and I have to live on in his legacy. That is how I can honor my life and his. I was the one who wrote and delivered his eulogy and I have to admit, I had people there, laughing, as I shared the great memories I have of him. It’s so true when they say you eulogize your life with the deeds you do within that life. My dad was such a great man and the things he did in his life and the experiences he had are what honor his life and will continue to honor him forever.

My dad in all his awesomeness

However, we shouldn’t wait until we're gone and someone eulogizes us at our memorial service, to honor our lives. We all need to honor the life that we have lived while we are alive. You might be thinking, well, I did nothing great yet so how can I honor a boring life? However, your life does not have to be filled with major achievements to honor it. You honor the life you have lived by paying homage to it through reflection on the positive experiences you have had and how they have shaped you into the person you are today. Every single thing that has happened in our lives, good and bad, has helped us grow and learn. You may not see it now but when the right time comes, you will.

Sometimes we may forget the positive experiences, especially when we encounter seasons of disappointments and setbacks. But when we dwell on those bad times, we are holding ourselves back from truly seeing our lives for what they were and still are. Every day is a blessing. Every day that you wake up, you are getting a do-over and you get to decide how your day is going to go. You can make it wonderful or you can waste the day in a funk. Think of this way: after you are gone, what would you want your eulogy to say about you and your life? What legacy do you want to leave behind?

One way I honor the life I have lived is by keeping a list of the top 10 experiences that have made my life better and made me better as a person. This list will change over time as I accumulate experiences and live life to its fullest. This list can consist of anything you deem a great experience. It could be a place you visited, a goal you achieved, a person you met…basically a defining moment in your life that has helped shape you into the person you are today. I invite you to create your own list. You might be surprised at how many great experiences you have had already. I’ll share my Top 10 with all of you, in hopes that it will inspire you to create your own life. Please note that they are not listed in order of importance.

#1: Visiting China and climbing 16 flights of stairs in extreme heat to touch Buddha (at the Po Lin Monastery on Lantau Island).

#2: Going to Europe all by myself.

#3: Meeting Tim Gunn (I am still kicking myself that I did not get a picture taken)

#4: Seeing the canals of Venice and visiting a hand-blown glass factory on the island of Murano.

#5: Graduating from college with honors.

#6: Getting my first short piece published in an anthology (which is being released November 2012).

#7: Meeting my best friend Herman.

#8: The birth of all three of my nieces.

#9: Seeing the Grand Canyon.

#10: Meeting my ex, who taught me how to open my heart and not be afraid to get hurt.

Now, to some of you, these may not seem like big achievements but they were all defining moments in my life. Your list is your list. It will list those things that you feel were defining positive experiences. I keep my list folded up in a notebook that I carry around with me. When I am feeling bad or have had a bad moment, I take the list out and read it. It's just something about reading my top #10 and remembering those great times, that makes it all better. It makes me see the big picture. A bad moment is just that: a moment. A moment that will pass and it is up to you on whether you want to let it go or not.

I have learned that the best way to honor your life is to let go and not dwell. Keep looking ahead and try to have fearless moments. No one can be fearless 100% of the time but if you live life with the mindset that you will try, despite the fear, you will have a fearless moment. If you keep that mindset ongoing, you will rack up many fearless moments and before you know it, you are living a full life where you are honoring yourself and the life that you have. You are not wasting time and you are enjoying the life that you have.

Our lives all tell a story. But we are the authors of our own stories. The great thing about that is we can always re-write a chapter or change a bad ending to a great one. How you honor your life is your choice. You have the power to create the most awesome, kick-ass, amazing story, to which, when you're gone, your story will be told over and over again. Your legacy will leave its stamp on the world. As I said in the beginning of this, there is only one you in this world and that is pretty amazing.