Fearless Fridays: Taking Control of Your Story, Part 1

We’re almost at the end of the year, folks. 2012 was a very pivotal year for me personally and professionally. I have to be honest and say I am not sad to see this year end. However, no matter what happens, at the end of the day, we each have control over the story of our lives. 

If you are unhappy with the state of your life at the moment, the upside is that your life doesn’t have to stay that way. The next chapter of your life can be rewritten. As I have said before, we all have a choice. We can choose to be a hero or a victim. We can choose what we do next. We always have a choice. So do you choose to stand still in your own pity party and not grow? Or do you choose to make a change and take control of your story?

If you choose to take control of your story, all you have to do is rewrite it. And now is a great time. Not New Year’s Eve. Not January 1st. NOW. We are closing out a chapter with the year ending; today is the winter solstice and according to the Mayans, it is the ending of one time cycle and the beginning of a new one. It is a time for renewal and starting over. Some people actually view the next three days as a solstice sojourn and take this time to clean out their lives, open their heart and spirit to what’s coming in 2013. Empty and receive – those are the major words to describe this solstice period. It is a time to really listen to your inner voice and set goals for the next year.

If you want to make changes in your life for the better and rewrite the next chapter of your story, you have to be committed to making some changes in your life. It won’t be easy but I promise you, it will be worth it. Your happiness and well-being are invaluable so any tough steps to getting there and achieving the best life you can live is well worth it.

First and foremost, it is so important to surround yourself with positive people and things .  Throughout your life, you have to clean house. Some people are only meant to be in your life for a season. Sometimes we tend to try to hold on to these seasonal people and when they have outgrown their season, they become toxic to our lives. Just as you clean your home and get rid of things you no longer use, the same has to be done in your life. Your space should be something you hold invaluable and take great care as to who you choose to let in your space. 

When you surround yourself with positive people who mirror what you want to achieve in your life, you will see the difference in your way of thinking, your mood and your overall outlook on life. It’s also important to surround yourself with positive places. If you are somewhere that makes you unhappy, that will affect your life negatively. It’s hard to let go of some people and places but once you do, it will change your life for the better. Just listen to your intuition and pay attention to how they treat you. That will show you who are lifelong friends and who are seasonal. It’s like what Maya Angelou once said, “When someone first shows you who they are, believe them.” People won’t change and we cannot control their actions. But we can control who we let into our life and where we choose to be.

Next, make love a priority in your life - for yourself and others. If you don’t love yourself, you will not know how to love someone else and let them love you fully. As I always say, there is only one you in the world and that’s an amazing thing. You were put on this Earth as you for a reason. Everything starts with you. You have to believe in yourself and what you can do in your life. No one else can do that for you. Once you love yourself, you will be able to love freely and get that love back in your life. You will not stand for mistreatment or abuse because you love yourself enough to know your worth. Loving yourself is not easy for some. But is very necessary to live your life to its fullest.

Loving yourself is a daily project. It won’t happen overnight, especially if you have spent most of your life not being happy with yourself. Start off by focusing on the parts of you that you love, physically and non-physically. Start doing little things for yourself that you enjoy. Start speaking positively to yourself and others. Learn to enjoy being you. As in the start of every great love affair, you have to start somewhere and build from there. The love will grow, believe me. You just have to take that first step and accept you for who you are. Now if there is something about you that you don’t like, again, you have a choice. You can change IF you really want to. Instead of commiserating over it, do something about it. Accepting yourself as you are does not mean you have to stay the way you are. You have to be who you are happiest being. You have to be true to yourself. For example, do you want to lose weight and be healthier? All it takes is being active and eating better. Do you want to be a more giving person? Then volunteer or help someone. We each have the power within us to be the best person we can be if we choose to be. 

One of the most important things you can do in your life is take a chance. So many opportunities are thrown in our path but we miss them because we let fear stop us from taking a chance. If you take a chance on something or someone and it doesn't work out, then it wasn't in the cards. It was not meant to be. But at least, you know the outcome because you took the chance. There will be no “what ifs”. There is a reason for everything and a lesson to be learned from every experience. And while some experiences don’t work out in the end, during the experience, you may have the time of your life or may encounter something or someone that will lead to an even bigger and better opportunity. You are doing yourself and the world a disservice when you don't take a chance and put yourself out there. So just take a chance and let go. You never know what could happen.

Next week, I will continue to give tips on how to rewrite the next chapter of your life in part 2 of this blog. Let’s start 2013 with a renewed outlook on life and commitment to living the best lives we can.

I wish all of you and your families a wonderful holiday. Be thankful, be inspired and most of all, be YOU. xoxo  

Fearless Fridays: Journaling is Good For The Soul

Writing has always been a form of escape for me. I began to journal when I was 10. It was a traumatic year for me. I went to live with a relative for a year so I was in a new school, a new home. And it was not a great experience for me at all. For reasons I won't divulge here, it was one of the worst years of my life that defined and shaped who I am today. Being able to write and journal my feelings helped me get through it all. Journaling helped me while I was in a dark space in my life. It gave me strength. My journal became my best friend; my lifeline.

As the years progressed, my journaling continued. It made me feel better to put my feelings down on paper. It was as if I was purging myself and leaving all the crap behind in my journal. Even today, my journaling is one of the things that I rely on in order to heal my spirit when needed. But it has become more than that. A journal wasn't just a place to record my negative moments. It also became a space to celebrate the good stuff, too. I have times where I go back and read past entries. It shows me how far I have come in my life. It helps me to reflect and let go.

Journaling is essentially telling your story. Everyone's story has its good and bad moments. But it is YOUR story; YOUR life. Journaling is therapeutic. It's never good to keep things bottled up. And if you have no one to talk to and vent to...well, you have your journal where you can write as much as you want and say whatever you want. Your journal is your space to do what you see fit.

There is no standard way to journal. A friend of mine journals by writing poetry. I have another friend who does video entries. Some people have private blogs online where they journal. Or you can do it the old-fashioned way like I do and journal in a notebook. You choose how you want to journal. It's all about telling your story in the way you want to tell it. Since you are creating your own space, you have the freedom to set it up however you want. That freedom is a powerful feeling. It makes you feel free enough to let go of the emotional baggage because you are releasing those feelings into your journal.  An essential part of life is letting go. If you can't let go, you can't move further on your journey. So a journal is the perfect companion for you while on your journey.

A journal can also aid as a guidebook to you during your journey. Old journal entries can work wonders on keeping you in check, let me tell you. By reading past entries, you can rediscover the things you need to do in your life to make changes for the better.  And you can also see how you once were and see how far you have come. You certainly don't want to go backwards in life, only forward.  Through your journal, your past self can check your present self and make sure you don't make the same mistakes or react the same way to a situation.

It’s just something about having a notebook to write anything I want in it, that makes me feel calm and safe.  The best thing about a journal? You don’t need to be a writer to journal. Just write how you feel and let it flow. You will be amazed at what will come out and how great you will feel after.

Journaling is good for the soul. This I know. I can't imagine where I'd be today if I couldn't write my feelings and experiences out on paper. Journaling has helped me to be more open in life. It has provided me with a way to see myself as I really am and realize that I am okay. I am normal. I am enough. It helps me to make my voice heard. When there are times when I feel like I can't say something to someone or about something out loud, I know that I have my journal. I can write it all out and leave it there. 

So if you're feeling like you're carrying too much weight on your heart and soul, you need to release that immediately. All you need is a piece of paper and a pen...or even just a laptop or a cell phone. Just find a way to write it out and let go. Trust me, you will feel better and life will be better. Life is short, unexpected and never guaranteed. All we have are the moments. So tell your story today, let go and let it be.

Fearless Fridays: The Power of Forgiveness

This month, I am taking part in The Big Girl Movement’s  21-Day Speak Love, Spread Love Challenge. It’s a great idea that the wonderful Erica Ware of BGM came up with. She is always such a positive force for all women and a beautiful person I am proud to call a friend. This challenge consists of daily tasks we are asked to do, which help us to speak love and spread love…for ourselves and others. It has brought complete strangers together where we are all supporting and uplifting each other.

This challenge has been pretty easy in a sense for me until Day 15. Day 15’s task was as follows:

“For anyone who has wronged you, make the choice right now to FORGIVE THEM! Write a list of the people, or person, who has caused you pain, or discomfort, that you are having trouble forgiving. Once you create your list, say: ''I was deeply affected by what you've done to me in the past. I realize that I CANNOT change it, but I can accept it'' (Say it with conviction, like you really are ready to move on with your life. He who angers you, controls you. Discard of your list in whichever way you choose.”

For me, forgiveness is extremely tough and something I continue to work on to this day. Ironically, I am listening to “Bust Your Windows” by Jazmine Sullivan as I type this blog.  I listen it to now with a smile on my face because I look back to two years ago, when I found out that my boyfriend at the time had lied to me basically about everything. I was so in love with him and my whole view of him was shattered. He was an unfaithful man and a liar. He lied about how many kids he had, his situation, everything. I believed he loved me, yes. But his idea of love and mine were two very different ones. Back then, I was so angry and pissed off. I felt like I was on an episode of Maury minus the DNA test, thank goodness!  It took me some time but I did forgive him. I realized that I had to forgive him, not so much for him but for me. That anger was eating me up. And I realized that it was holding me back from really experiencing the love I wanted in my life.

We have all been wronged by someone but honestly, that will never change. People will always do something wrong. We’re all human and not perfect. This is what I had to accept. There goes that word again…ACCEPT. Acceptance is key in life. It is connected to so many things. I have talked about acceptance many times on this blog in other facets of my life. Acceptance is the base of everything in life. When you can accept the things you cannot change, which includes people and who they are, life becomes such a different experience. People can change but they have to want to change themselves. We cannot change them.

My ex, well, I had to accept that no matter how much I loved him, I could not change him. He needed to make that choice to change for himself. So I accepted things for the way they were (I certainly could not change how many kids he has or how many times he has been married) and let go. After doing that, then I could move on.

Forgiveness does not mean you are saying what that person did was okay. It’s saying “I accept what happened and I am letting it go”. It doesn’t mean you’re keeping them in your life. It means you are forgiving them and moving on. It’s all about cleansing your own heart and soul. When you keep grudges and don’t forgive, you’re essentially living in the past. When you do that, how can you move forward? It’s like you’re standing behind a closed door and refuse to open the door and see what is outside. You stay inside, unhappy and dwelling on what could have been, on what happened. Honestly, there shouldn’t be a “what could have been” on your mind because what’s done is done. You can’t change it. All you can do is ACCEPT it.

I continue to be a work in progress. Some are easier to forgive than others. I have one family member who I am struggling to forgive. It continues to be one of the hardest things I have had to deal with in my life. I remember the pain, havoc and chaos she inflicted onto my life when I was just 10 years old and lived with her for a year. I remember it like yesterday. She has never apologized to me or even showed remorse. I never thought I could hate someone like I hate her. Hate is pretty strong word for me because I don’t hate anyone but her.

However, in retrospect, her mistreatment and neglect forced me to grow up fast and learn to take care of myself so she gave me a gift. It could have been worse. I still managed to survive it and thrive. I keep telling myself…”When you forgive someone, you are freeing your heart and lightening the load within your heart.”  When you let go of the bad things, you are making space to let more positive things in. This is one thing I need to do to truly free my heart.

I am determined that I will. I have to do it for me above all else. Even though Day 15 of the challenge has passed (we are almost done at Day 20), I will still have my Day 15 from time to time.  Forgiveness is never easy but very necessary.

''I was deeply affected by what you've done to me in the past. I realize that I CANNOT change it, but I can accept it.'' 

It feels so good to say that.

The Frugal Files: The Psychology Behind your Stuff..Let Go!!

Hey there frugalicious ones!! It’s almost time for the holiday!!

I know you might expect some 4^th of July frugal food recipes, but not today. We’re going little deeper. It’s been on my mind and I really want to share.

I’ve been getting quite a reputation in my community for being a Declutter Queen…their words, but I accept them. I’m a master at decluttering now, but this wasn’t always my story. I’m an ex pack rat, from a long line of pack rats. My family keeps EVERYTHING!! Sometimes having so much “stuff” is overwhelming and it immobilizes you horribly. I owe my breakthrough to my cousin Angie. She probably doesn’t know it, but she saved me from a life of living under a house of clutter.

Years ago, right before moving into my first apartment, I began to downsize. I asked Angie to help me with the daunting task because it was too much for one person. My room at my parents house was the length of the house, so it was already like a mini apartment, a loft really. I had a shoe closet and a doubled sided, full length closet, an area for my bed, two dressers, a rolling and stationary bookcase, an attic area…plenty of space, for plenty of junk.

So we began to declutter spaces and deciding what to keep and what to toss. She was patient with me as she asked about each item she picked up. My “keep” pile was getting large and the huge garbage can was nearly empty. (This was years before I knew about recycling, so I wasn’t doing it). She noticed my growing pile and no progress and finally just blurted out, “you need to throw this ‘blankety-blank’ away!!” I was startled, began to argue, but she stood her ground. She helped me to see I didn’t need the stuff I was saving.

Now, I pass on that same blessing to others. I work with some of the most difficult people when decluttering. I’m firm, but I’m also sensitive. I KNOW it’s difficult for people to let go and when you begin decluttering, it’s like an irritation of an open, covered wound. Well, I say, rip the bandage off even it if opens up the wound again and LET IT HEAL!!

I’m not a therapist, but I do know people. I know feelings. I know issues. One thing I’ve learned about this process is, if you can’t let go of old stuff, you have them. Big or small, there are underlying issues. Maybe something you haven’t addressed in the past or something you’re avoiding in the future, but something. Have you ever seen the reality show Hoarders? Well, there’s a reason they have a psychologist on staff. It requires an intervention and my cousin gave me mine frankly, kicking my butt into gear to get rid of the junk in my room and in my life.

Now it’s routine to declutter. We’ve chatted a little about this before; if it’s broken, either fix it or get rid of it. If you don’t need it anymore, get rid of it. If it’s no longer loved, say good-bye. Once you get past the initial shock, the task will get easier. I can promise you: letting go will cleanse your soul, it will make you feel lighter and the thoughts of depression, due to being overwhelmed, will begin to subside. This is not necessarily a cure for our deeply rooted issues, but it certainly is a start to the journey of exposing and addressing them.

Recently, I had one of my decluttering clients gasp when I told her I shredded old pictures. Well, my Mom and I went through a huge toolbox full pictures. We saw people we didn’t recognize, terribly angled photos and three of my ex boyfriends. They all had to go. I’m no longer in those relationships, I’m not attached to them and I think my future husband would appreciate me not bringing old flames into our relationship and home. Her response was that I had a desperate love and willing to give up my old memories for a man…I disagree. I still have my memories, but I’m free of the attachment. She didn’t understand that and I know why. She told me she grew up dirt poor, so her entire house reflected that she was actually the desperate one; desperate to hold on to everything because she previously had nothing.

Belles, we have to understand our past is not who or where we are today. We can let go of the past without losing our memories. No one can ever take our experiences away, or the wisdom we learn from them. I’m all for being sentimental about SOME of our keepsakes, but cluttering up entire houses to feel a memory is a problem. Talk to someone and ask an unbiased person to help you go through your stuff; someone who won’t judge you, but who won’t be afraid to challenge you to get rid of your old stuff.

If you’re feeling stuck or stagnant in your life, declutter. Let go of past hurts. Removing the old makes way for the new memories and the new experiences. I’ll leave you with this affirmation:

“Possessions do not feed my spirit. I am liberated from the desire to hoard things. I let go so there is room for something better to come in."